Parodies of Vampire Movies Can Suck, Too

Movie Review: Vampires Suck (2010)
Spoilers: none


Vampires Suck is the latest work of directors/writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the same duo who brought us the despicable, theater-mass-exodus-inducing works known as Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans. These god-awful, so-called excuses for parodies proved to be nothing more than stupid and unwatchable time-wasters that would disappoint even the lowest bottom-feeders of junk-movie whores.

But unlike their earlier failures, Vampires Suck is, believe it or not, much less of a diabolically bad disappointment, with quite a number of “laugh out loud” funny moments designed to smear Stephanie Meyer's Twilight book and movie series. If you happen to be one among many frothing-at-the-mouth haters of the current teen vampire romance trend (and if you're bored out of your mind), you'd almost benefit from seeing Vampires Suck. Almost.

Nearly all will find the expectedly over-the-top dabbling in stupidity too much to handle as it ransacks what could have been a legitimate ensemble of humor based on the merit of clever mockery, but instead, the film's creators give in to their usual tendencies to go full throttle into the bizarre and ridiculous.

Between moments of stagnation and shear stupidity are some genuinely funny lines and stabs that will (and should) be quite memorable...

Edward Sullen: “This will never work. I have a desire to eat you!” Becca Crane: “Aren't most guys into that?”
“Relax, Becca. We're just like any normal American family, except we have no souls and we walk the earth trying to satisfy an unquenchable thirst for blood.”
Parking sign at the new school: “Misunderstood new girl who drives a crappy truck.”
Tea bag sticker: “Rebound Guy Tea”

While Vampires Suck is a no-go from the critic's perspective, the well-chosen cast has a good measure of chemistry and could not have been better picked, with Jenn Proske (as Becca), Matt Lanter (as Edward), Diedrich Bader (“Oswald” from The Drew Carey Show), and Ken Jeong (“King Argotron” from Rolemodels).

Other than this, not much can be said for the film except that it's quite an achievement for a work of Friedberg and Seltzer to produce something that doesn't show up on the Worst of the Year list.



Grade: D+ (1 ½ stars)
Rated: PG-13 (for crude sexual content, comic violence, language, and teen partying)
Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Summary: A spoof of vampire-themed movies, where teenager Becca finds herself torn between two boys. As she and her friends wrestle with a number of different dramas, everything comes to a head at their prom.
Starring: Jenn Proske "Becca Crane," Matt Lanter "Edward Sullen," Diedrich Bader "Frank Crane," Chris Riggi "Jacob White," Arielle Kebbel "Rachel," B.J. Britt "Antoine," Charlie Weber "Jack," Emily Brobst "June," Bradley Dodds "Salvatore," Ken Jeong "Daro"
Genre: Comedy