Skip to main content

Parodies of Vampire Movies Can Suck, Too

Movie Review: Vampires Suck (2010)
Spoilers: none

---

Vampires Suck is the latest work of directors/writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the same duo who brought us the despicable, theater-mass-exodus-inducing works known as Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans. These god-awful, so-called excuses for parodies proved to be nothing more than stupid and unwatchable time-wasters that would disappoint even the lowest bottom-feeders of junk-movie whores.

But unlike their earlier failures, Vampires Suck is, believe it or not, much less of a diabolically bad disappointment, with quite a number of “laugh out loud” funny moments designed to smear Stephanie Meyer's Twilight book and movie series. If you happen to be one among many frothing-at-the-mouth haters of the current teen vampire romance trend (and if you're bored out of your mind), you'd almost benefit from seeing Vampires Suck. Almost.

Nearly all will find the expectedly over-the-top dabbling in stupidity too much to handle as it ransacks what could have been a legitimate ensemble of humor based on the merit of clever mockery, but instead, the film's creators give in to their usual tendencies to go full throttle into the bizarre and ridiculous.

Between moments of stagnation and shear stupidity are some genuinely funny lines and stabs that will (and should) be quite memorable...

Edward Sullen: “This will never work. I have a desire to eat you!” Becca Crane: “Aren't most guys into that?”
“Relax, Becca. We're just like any normal American family, except we have no souls and we walk the earth trying to satisfy an unquenchable thirst for blood.”
Parking sign at the new school: “Misunderstood new girl who drives a crappy truck.”
Tea bag sticker: “Rebound Guy Tea”

While Vampires Suck is a no-go from the critic's perspective, the well-chosen cast has a good measure of chemistry and could not have been better picked, with Jenn Proske (as Becca), Matt Lanter (as Edward), Diedrich Bader (“Oswald” from The Drew Carey Show), and Ken Jeong (“King Argotron” from Rolemodels).

Other than this, not much can be said for the film except that it's quite an achievement for a work of Friedberg and Seltzer to produce something that doesn't show up on the Worst of the Year list.

(JH)

---

Grade: D+ (1 ½ stars)
Rated: PG-13 (for crude sexual content, comic violence, language, and teen partying)
Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Summary: A spoof of vampire-themed movies, where teenager Becca finds herself torn between two boys. As she and her friends wrestle with a number of different dramas, everything comes to a head at their prom.
Starring: Jenn Proske "Becca Crane," Matt Lanter "Edward Sullen," Diedrich Bader "Frank Crane," Chris Riggi "Jacob White," Arielle Kebbel "Rachel," B.J. Britt "Antoine," Charlie Weber "Jack," Emily Brobst "June," Bradley Dodds "Salvatore," Ken Jeong "Daro"
Genre: Comedy
Trailer

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

When Jesus Turns Down the Glory: 10 Worst Ever Christian Songs

It’s a sad testimony when even the creator of a thing realizes that the product isn’t what it was intended to be. Well, actually it’s a good thing. It just doesn’t happen often enough. The Christian music industry is, shall we say, not up to par with where its admirers (and even creators and ardent well-wishers) would hope it would be. And when even the average believer realizes that their music is not market-cornering stuff, all should know that there is a problem.

Now not all Christian music sucks (you might even find a few rock songs from artists like Petra on Joe Holman’s ipod that he still sometimes listens to and enjoys), but what makes the stuff that does suck suck is that what sucks sucks for a number of different reasons. We begin the countdown going from best of the worst to absolute worst...

The Top 5 Most Powerful Beings in Sci-fi (Part I of II)

It’s a subject that is rarely tackled in any form outside of random questions on a message board, but here we will devote a sensible examination of it. Who – what – is the most powerful being anywhere in every realm of sci-fi or fantasy ever dreamt up by a finite human being? I’ve been contemplating this subject since I was 8 years old. At 39, it hasn’t left my mind. That means several things; (1) I’m a fucking geek. (2) I’ve invested enough of my life pondering this for it to qualify as an obsession.

As with all “Most” anything lists, we are faced with several problems, one of them being limited source material. A couple of these only made one or two brief appearances somewhere and that is all we have to go by. But sometimes, those situations let our imaginations go into overdrive and give us even more creative fun. The mystery tends to add to the experience of contemplation.

Movie Review: Blair Witch (2016)