Now not all Christian music sucks (you might even find a few rock songs from artists like Petra on Joe Holman’s ipod that he still sometimes listens to and enjoys), but what makes the stuff that does suck suck is that what sucks sucks for a number of different reasons. We begin the countdown going from best of the worst to absolute worst...
#10. Jim Blackmon, “Jesus Christ is Coming” (2009)
Our list-starter is not actually the worst of songs, but more like the worst of videos, though it was supposedly the work of a great video music maker. When we get done with the horrible theatrics and watching the cutie cluelessly dance around, only then do we focus on how the song accidently reaffirms the belief that old Jesus our pal has to be everywhere because believers can’t do really anything for themselves. It could be blasphemous to say otherwise.
#9. Lecrae, “Jesus Muzick” (2007)
So, you are a Christian and can’t consciously listen to music like 3-6 Mafia and stuff. Why not go for the alternative, Lecrae? Lecrae isn’t afraid to combine the seat-reclined, dice-in-mirror carefree-ness of black street culture and mix it with Jesus and the Bible somehow. I like how these guys so proudly uphold the Christian standard of riding around with the top down “listening to that Jesus music.” Nothing wrong with a boom-box plugged into an extension cord hanging out the back of a convertible. That’s not competing with the worldly concept of ghetto coolness or anything.
#8. Force Family 5, “Love Addict” (2006)
When you are a “Love Addict” for Jesus, you’ve got a lot going for you--especially when you’ve already got the word “Family” in your band’s title to show everyone how wholesome your values must be. So just make a video involving red Valentine’s Day attire and be sure and act like a spaz while getting close-ups of lips, using cupie-doll girls to dance around, and have robots with NINJAS and you’ve got the Godly new alternative to sinfully wild and provocative!
#7. Audio Adrenaline, “Big House” (2007)
Here, we have reached down to new depths. The melody pretty much sucks from the word “go”, but just listen to the words: “Come and go to my father’s house.” Okay. Why? “Because it’s a big, big house.” Okay. “And there is a big, big table where there is lots and lots of food.” Okay, I’m with you. It must be the “feast” of the Word of God! “And a big, big yard where we can play football.” Huh, come again??? What was that? We should go to the father’s house so that we can play football in a big yard? I guess that is symbolic of all those Christians horsing around with the angels before the thrown of God. No way it’s just a sickly lame measure to make heaven seem fun and cool.
#6. Hillsong, “Days of Elijah” (2008)
Days of Elijah. Sounds quite reverent, even powerful. And then you continue listening to the lacking lyrics and realize whoever wrote the song had little understanding of what “year of Jubilee” was and didn't know that Moses, Elijah, and Ezekiel were not contemporaries--and didn't know that these (this??) time is NOT today! Yyyyyikes!
#5. Sonseed, “Jesus is a friend of mine” (1983)
This late-70s/early-80s Catholic pop band called Sonseed (no way that brings to mind any filthy connotations) hits home in this classic and proves that much of the power of Christianity can be attributed to the power of the chant. Behold, a good extraction weapon song to be used at GITMO.
#4. Crazy Crazy Awesome Awesome, “My Town” (2010)
I have no words for this, no clever cracks or off-color remarks. Crunk-core? Some new kind of depressed-kid-relatable GOTH-EMO stuff where two preteens defend their town by preaching Jesus...and spin-kicking dinosaurs in a religious high that is obviously much, much better than the best acid trip.
#3. Final Placement, “Shine” (2010)
Four young Christian men from Midland, TX with their instruments, trying to make something of their lives. But prepare yourself because this is stuff that will make you spew milk out of your nose.
#2. The Father’s House, “Christian Side Hug” (2009)
“I’m a rough-rider teamed up with Christ’s love!” Wow! Those are hard words! And before this, I never realized Star Wars music sounds even better with police sirens in the background. These renegades know no bounds!
For those wandering, no, this is NOT a parody or a joke, despite the group’s insistence that it was. It is a Christian rap song by group leader Ryan Pann performed as a skit at the 2009 Encounter Generation Evangelical Youth Conference (EG), hosted by “The Father’s House” church in California. This is on level with Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron saying that their video The Banana: The Atheist’s Worst Nightmare was just “a bit of fun” after everyone ripped them apart for putting it in their line-up of “evidences” that disprove atheism.
#1. Lust Control “The Big M” (1988)
Instead of Masturbate, you should do a guitar solo instead! Act like Jesus is with you all the time! That's the key to keep the sticky inside! Other hits from the band include “Get Married” and “Pray for the City." It’s nice to know that even mainline Christians found this offensive and insulting enough to repeatedly call them Worst Christian band Ever.
And no, it’s not a joke, not anymore. This is a legit thrash metal Christian band with the title of “Worst Christian Band” having been won many times (deservedly). But the creepy part is that when people hit hard on a particular "sin" for long enough, it means they have a fixation (problem) with it. I bet these fools are cranking one out even as I type!
These songs are evidence – along with every JW or Mormon who comes to your doorstep to “witness” to you – of just how important it is for Christianity to sell itself over and over again. Like all products, no one will buy unless it can appeal to some perceived need, and what better way to do this than to sell it again and again by making it compete with the world’s goods (however pathetically)?