It’s Like a Europeanized Total Recall

Movie Review: Unknown (2011)
Summary: A man awakens from a coma, only to discover that someone has taken on his identity.
Spoilers: none

In Unknown, “Dr. Martin Harris” (Liam Neeson) arrives in Berlin for a biotechnology lecture with wife “Elizabeth” (January Jones). Arriving at their hotel, Dr. Harris goes to check his bags and feels that something may be missing. After heading back to the airport in search of his briefcase, he is in an accident that nearly claims his life.

Waking up with amnesia four days later with no identification, the doctors have been unable to identify him. When he leaves the hospital and finds his wife at the conference, she doesn’t recognize him, nor does anyone else. And there is another “Dr. Martin Harris” (Aidan Quinn) taking his place. He is ejected from the hotel, narrowly avoiding arrest, and finds himself on a quest to track down that strange and mysterious woman who saved his life after the cab accident.

After running up against dead-end after dead-end in trying to establish his identity, Harris soon finds himself the target of unknown assailants that do more to confuse and terrify him than the situation that got him where he is.

He is able to locate “Gina” (Diane Kruger), the woman who saved his life, but must thereafter put together the rest of the earth-shattering, amnesia-accompanying mystery that has thrown his life into a tailspin of madness. It’s like a Europeanized, Uni-planetary version of Total Recall without the three-titted alien girl and Martian techno bar where people symbiotically co-exist.

Neeson, who speaks like he’s reading emphatically while doing voiceover work for a child’s animated show, is like some others in the film in that the lines delivered don’t always have the impact intended. And as with certain scenes, the exchanges of dialog often transition poorly into each other.

Kruger’s performance is the only compelling one. Even Frank Langella who plays “Rodney Cole” can’t slip indubitably into his role as Harris’ long-time friend. Some of the stand-ins with hotel security are more convincing. There really are no exceptional performances in Unknown, partly because this is not director Jaume Collet-Serra’s finest hour, but partly because the material we have to work with barely gets around to being suspenseful until it starts to wrap things up near the ending. Up till that point, the story barely manages to satisfactorily keep your attention.

Neverminding the usual Hollywood habit of having some guy throw any old amount of money at a cab driver and then hurriedly get out, and neverminding using the same cell phone that didn't work before, and (remarkably) dries out and works perfectly after being submerged in freezing water, there are a few turns in the story that almost get things going.

Harris says to the physician: “Do you know what it’s like to go insane, doctor? It’s like a war between knowing who you are and being told who you are.” Now there is a thoughtful granule. This is followed by Harris’ having to fight to stay alive in the hospital. So things seem to really be heating up.

Then we’re back to square one, or perhaps we never left it because when Harris woke up in the hospital and had no ID, he still had enough cash to get around. Why no ID then? Wouldn’t he have that with him? And after running into an ally, “Ernst Jürgen” (Bruno Ganz), he tells him that for a brief moment, he became convinced that he was, in fact, insane due to the trauma from the accident. But how could he have ever been since he knew he had on him a gift from his father, a book, along with the cash?

When Harris meets Gina and goes home with her, she gets comfortable—as in, walking around without a bra under her t-shirt comfortable. He decides to take a shower and get comfy himself. I’d just be wanting to sit down and collect my thoughts and cry, being thankful to be alive as a nameless wonder this far from home, but that’s me. The film had other plans.

As with most amnesia exploitation movies, the amnesia tends to behave rather strangely; it goes way out of its way to remove every single solitary identifier that could tell the victim anything helpful about himself. That must be considered a little bit too friendly of a story-builder on which to base a movie, if you ask me.

We get to find out near the end of the film what has happened, but things are no better for it, not when this involves thugs and stomach punches to go with the antagonist filling the protagonist and everyone else in via a history lesson on what happened and why. And Harris’ set of skills doesn’t appear to match what we are told his profession was.

Despite some burning suspense and a roller-coaster plot that will throw the audience before making things “click,” I'm afraid it’s just not enough.

(JH)

Grade: C- (2 stars)
Rated: PG-13 (for some intense sequences of violence and action, and brief sexual content)
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Starring: Liam Neeson “Dr. Martin Harris,” Diane Kruger “Gina,” January Jones “Elizabeth Harris,” Aidan Quinn “Martin B.,” Bruno Ganz “Ernst Jürgen,” Frank Langella “Rodney Cole,” Sebastian Koch “Professor Bressler,” Olivier Schneider “Smith,” Stipe Erceg “Jones,” Rainer Bock “Herr Strauss,” Mido Hamada “Prince Shada,” Clint Dyer “Biko”
Genre: Drama / Mystery / Thriller
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Martin Guitierrez: The Man Who Was Just Better

These, the tenth-grade years (1990-91) were the greatest of Joe Holman’s high school days. 

It was a kickin’ time. The cars were still mostly square. Saturday Night Live had a great cast. My favorite sitcoms were still on the air. I would anxiously wait for the next Sunday night’s episode of Married With Children just after seeing the then-influential show, Herman’s Head, which happens now to be known as the show where the first reference to “condom” was used in a major time slot broadcast.

It's a Movie About Lawnmowers and Living Yard Pottery

Movie Review: Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)
Summary: Gnomeo (voice of McAvoy) and Juliet (voice of Blunt) have as many obstacles to overcome as their quasi namesakes when they are caught up in a feud between neighbors.
Spoilers: none

Gnomeo and Juliet has only one thing going for it, and that is its creative and funny knock-off title. Beyond that, it is a fall-flat failure of an animated work with not much charm, and a story with scarcely an ounce of original thought. The cast is as forgettable as a face in a crowd.

These garden gnomes are made of pottery. They die by being shattering into pieces. They are distinguished by type and color, and whether or not they have shiny and pointy hats. They freeze in posture anytime their human owners walk outside. And like traditionally known gnomes, they are linguistically challenged, and though small, have facial expressions and stocky body-types that suggest they are about to take mighty big shits.

As with people, these pieces of yard pottery – most of them gnomes – are highly territorial, fighting with those of different colors who snoop onto their turf. That’s right; Gnomeo and Juliet takes the opportunity to take a stab at the evils of hating someone of another color.

When “Gnomeo” (James McAvoy, voice) traipses into forbidden (red) territory, he meets “Juliet” (Emily Blunt, voice), a red. As the two standoffishly fall for each other, they soon find themselves in the middle of the ongoing war between the red-hats and blue-hats.

Feeling the heat of disapproval from her overprotective father, “Lord Redbrick” (Michael Caine, voice), who wants to glue his daughter onto a high pedestal to prevent her from being shattered like her mother, Juliet and Gnomeo plan to carry out their lives elsewhere. This is when they run into a Spanish-accented, pink, yard flamingo named “Featherstone” (Jim Cummings, voice), and a statue of William Shakespeare (Patrick Stewart, voice) with an expectedly negative outlook on life and love.

With the help of a Terrafirminator super-powered lawnmower (Hulk Hogan, voice) with many other determined, pointed-hat fighters and their helpers – among them is “Tybalt” (Jason Statham, voice) and a reindeer, “Fawn” (Ozzy Osbourne, voice) – the color war bitterly rages on.

This insipid gnome movie gives us nothing. It makes us think about nothing. And in what we get from water-squirting frogs and gardens tended to by non-detail-oriented gnomes, we ask: What, exactly, is this supposed to offer us? Beyond cute animation, I really am not sure.

This almost appears to be of the backwoods persuasion, not considering the thick British accents. Some King of the Hill groupies, and perhaps the English, may really dig it, but probably not the rest of us (no offense to our English cousins). And I don’t call this wrongly conceived animated excursion lifeless for nothing. It really is.

The hastening rounds of scene-changing pseudo-excitement will probably not even entertain kids as well as predicted. The plot is so uninteresting that it’s difficult to remember what you were following only moments before.

“Let’s go kick some grass.” No reason to see it other than in hopes of getting more little puns as offered in the title. Gnomeo instead of Romeo? Is that cool little play on words enough cause to have a movie? I say not, especially not in a story with predictable slapstick, which is every bit as predictable as the story’s conclusion.

There is simply no reason for this film to exist!

Clinking and clanking as they walk and interact, great care has been taken with the animation that does jive with a partially sought-after sense of realism. The faces of the owners are never seen so that the whole show is about the garden and shed-dwelling objects that try to have as distinct of personalities as a kindergarten class.

But this appears to be all for naught. The stone rabbits and mushrooms that take the place of dogs and jump around do nothing to win over audiences anymore than anyone else does.

(JH)

Grade: D+ (1 ½ stars)
Rated: G
Director: Kelly Asbury
Starring: James McAvoy “Gnomeo” (voice), Emily Blunt “Juliet” (voice), Ashley Jensen “Nanette” (voice), Michael Caine “Lord Redbrick” (voice), Matt Lucas “Benny” (voice), Jim Cummings “Featherstone” (voice), Maggie Smith “Lady Bluebury” (voice), Jason Statham “Tybalt,” (voice), Ozzy Osbourne “Fawn” (voice), Stephen Merchant “Paris” (voice), Patrick Stewart “Bill Shakespeare” (voice), Julie Walters “Miss Montague” (voice), Hulk Hogan “Terrafirminator V.O.” (voice)
Mr. Capulet (voice)
Genre: Animation / Adventure / Comedy / Family / Fantasy / Romance
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Not Very Inconspicuous

Movie Review: Big Mommas (2011)
Summary: FBI agent Malcolm Turner and his stepson Trent go undercover at an all-girls performing arts school after Trent witnesses a murder.
Spoilers: none

For the third addition to the Big Momma series, Martin Lawrence returns as “Malcolm Turner” with his stepson, “Trent” (Brandon T. Jackson).

Wanting to take his hip-hop career to the road instead of going to college, Trent approaches his step-dad to sign the necessary paperwork for a record deal. Dad refuses, which leads Trent to begin the mission of making dad miserable to coerce him into compliance. The plan goes awry when Trent sees an FBI takedown gone wrong and becomes witness to a murder.

Becoming the target of a wanted crime lord named “Chirkoff” (Tony Curran), Malcolm gets the idea to hide out in a girl’s school called the Georgia Girl’s School for the Arts. Keeping a watchful eye on his step-son (whose only non-survival-based reason to tolerate being hidden as a girl is the hot girls), Big Momma takes a job as a house mother, laboring and no doubt sweating daily underneath layers of padding, clothing, muumuus, and very realistic fat suits that look real even in the nude (oddly enough).

So Malcolm takes the conveniently available house mom position where most of the film’s “action” happens while “laying low.” Laying low is in quotes because “low” in the film doesn’t really mean “low” at all. It means dancing on tables, throwing down rap/hip-hop rhymes, and laying down the law Louisiana grandmother-style to every attitude-y chick in the place. These two make a pretty damn big impact for two supposedly trying to hide.

As a house mother, Malcolm meets “Kurtis Kool” (Faizon Love), a maintenance man and past affiliate of Run DMC and LL Cool J. Momma puts up with his “fishing” for her big booty while he fishes around for information on the possible whereabouts of the flashdrive—this is as Trent occupies his time in secret girl fraternities with pajamas and “sharing” and dancing, and the things we ordinary guys would beg to have happen to us.

The director of Big Momma’s House 2 (2006) brings us Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, a plot-hole-ridden piece of silliness that has no more to sport than a comedian dressed up as a mouthy, obese black woman. But if you enjoy Martin Lawrence humor, chances are you’ll be able to overlook the sheer ridiculousness and appreciate maybe a few portions of this plot that – were it to be taken seriously – would make us ask a few questions, like: How did Trent know where his step-father was holding this uncover FBI operation?

Does Malcolm regularly share details of classified FBI takedowns with his 17-year-old stepson? When did he find the time to do it? But if he did share the information, how could he blame him for showing up? No explanation is needed because there isn’t one. The movie just needed an excuse that could offer support for the whole dress-up scheme to take place.

There are other plot-holes, like if Malcolm knew where this flashdrive with incriminating evidence against Chirkoff was, why not just go find it on official business and leave the dress-up to the kids and drama-queen girly-girls? Why not use the evidence in the first place and avoid the whole hidden mic/sting operation that got his clueless partner killed? No answers available, which again means we can’t view this one with an even remotely serious mindset.

So, we change our focus from looking for a good movie to one that props up mindless fun for a few hours and a couple of genuinely funny lines with Lawrence doing what he does best—dress up and act eccentrically goofy. But Lawrence, one of the least funny of the super-star comedians, offers us a type of humor that has a hard time taking root in the soil of general audiences. Who really finds drag humor that funny? Does anyone you know fall out laughing over it?

And that everyone is stupid enough to fall for these obviously not real, huge, fat women – one of them with beastly muscular forearms who can’t get his chick voice right – should be considered knee-slapping all by itself, but it’s more stupid than funny.

The cliquish social environment at the girl’s school presents a challenge to be overcome by a young, rapping Trent who can win over the most hostile of crowds with group-song-inspiring raps that throw cafeterias-full of previously rude girls into “soul sista” dance and sing-alongs.

Malcolm does a much better job at reminding himself he’s in disguise as a woman, but Trent has a harder time. How either of them can keep up appearances in those hot, hard-to-put-on suits when so many other options existed as ways to hide is amazing, almost as amazing as a grown man coming up with such a juvenile idea in the first place. But Lawrence spends a lot more time as Big Momma than as plain old Malcolm even after the gig is up.

And who knew that FBI agents were patient and determined appliers of makeup and tedious disguises that take literally hours to put on? Not I.

The plot may only exist to show off Big Momma and his/her great niece/rapper, but it doesn’t overly feel like it. The long and short of it is that if you like Martin Lawrence, you might almost be motivated to give a passing grade to this slaphappy presentation of playing Motownopoly, readjusting padding, and avoiding getting boners in dressing rooms with real girls.

All of the Big Momma comedies have received failing grades on Rotten Tomatoes, but this film was in some ways better than the other three in the series. Sure, the whole arrangement is illogical and dumb, but we can’t expect too much, not here.

(JH)

Grade: C- (2 stars)
Rated: PG-13 (for some sexual humor and brief violence)
Director: John Whitesell
Starring: Martin Lawrence “Malcolm / Big Momma,” Brandon T. Jackson “Trent / Charmaine,” Jessica Lucas “Haley,” Michelle Ang “Mia,” Portia Doubleday “Jasmine,” Emily Rios “Isabelle,” Ana Ortiz “Gail,” Henri Lubatti “Vlad,” Lorenzo Pisoni “Dmitri,” Tony Curran “Chirkoff,” Marc John Jefferies “Rembrandt,” Brandon Gill “Scratch,” Faizon Love “Kurtis Kool”
Genre: comedy
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A Forgettable Psycho Roommate Tale

Movie Review: The Roommate (2011)
Summary: A college student finds that her new roommate has an obsession with her, which quickly turns violent.
Spoilers: none

The Roommate, starring Minka Kelly, Leighton Meester, and Cam Gigandet is the umpteenth rebirth of the psycho girl film phenomenon that says in almost so many words and circumstances: “The pretty heroine; blessed with beauty, cursed with psychosis.”

There was Single White Female (1992) about a woman who places an ad to room with another female and lands a psycho, but psycho obsession movies vary in type, and yet are pretty much still the same. Obsessed (2009), The Crush (1993), and before that, Fatal Attraction (1987), follow in theme, and in doing so, attract audiences almost regardless of their quality or lack thereof. The fascination with psychos is forever an obsession to the healthy mind.

“Sara” (Minka Kelly) begins her freshmen year at college when she meets her new roommate, “Rebecca” (Leighton Meester). What starts out as a very energetic interest taken to secure Sara’s attention with a close involvement in her life and activities becomes a task involving stalking, manipulating, seducing, intimidating, and otherwise isolating Sara from anyone who monopolizes her time.

When Sara’s friends quickly detect that something is wrong (and only Sara chooses to look to the reasons why the worst case scenario may be an exaggeration), the audience is then subjected to the superficial ensemble of Sara’s boyfriend, “Stephen” (Cam Gigandet) and his band and nights out for dinner and concerts, as the plot slowly escalates to Rebecca’s unmedicated mental collapse to the necessary point of decay to, you know, have a movie.

The humdrum story build-up and graphic-lacking display of Rebecca’s out-of-control behavior have earned The Roommate a justly deserved reputation as a flop. Scene after scene of beautiful girls socializing, bathing, girl-talking, or in some way preparing to socialize, add up back to back and begin to drag on.

Our two main girls look and sound so much alike that when shuffled in and out in the development of the story, it is at first hard to make out who is who (not that you really care too much anyway, but you wished you cared about these chicks who are nearly as floozy with each other as they are with the guys). But alas, we don’t.

It’s the same switching back and forth between scenes, between dorms and clubs, more dorms and clubs, and then Rebecca’s parents’ nice home. This is the spot you see in the trailer when Rebecca’s mother (Frances Fisher) creepily asks Sara: “Has she been taking her medication?” Ooh, suspense! Not that a mother would ask that of a virtual stranger she just met, but it happens here. Just about everything done by our beautiful psycho is undercut by a poor setup so that we don’t even care how sick she is.

To get back at a teacher for Sara, Rebecca goes after Professor Roberts (Billy Zane). The aftermath is unclear, leaving behind an underutilized character. In this toned-down psycho thriller with fewer thrills than a Merry-go-round, we do have one truly chilling and eye-opening exchange when Rebecca and Sara visit a tattoo parlor. Rebecca has the word “Emily,” Sara’s dead sister, tattooed on a breast and proceeds to tell Sara: “Now I can be your new little sister!”

The Roommate has just about all of the necessary elements to be a creepy, ice-cold psycho flick. Our beautiful nutcase will stalk you, cry on queue to sell a bogus story, kill animals, and basically kill on command—and she’ll frame innocent people and otherwise manipulate situations to her advantage. Meester doesn’t play a terrible psycho. In fact, she has that distant, curious stare. But in the direction things are taken, nothing is allowed to work.

The film does generate a mild amount of interest in portraying one thing: psychos simply cannot hide their twisted behavior for long. But this is as far as we can go in compliments. The murder scenes have as little drama as they have blood. There is no sense of terror or concern for anyone. This rather boring, no-boundary-pushing, under-dramatic charade of wannabe college psychodrama should be evicted.

(JH)

Grade: D- (1 star)
Rated: PG-13 (for intense scenes of death and peril)
Director: Christian E. Christiansen
Starring: Leighton Meester “Rebecca,” Minka Kelly “Sara Matthews,” Cam Gigandet “Stephen,” Alyson Michalka “Tracy Mrgan,” Danneel Harris “Irene,” Frances Fisher “Rebecca’s Mom,” Tomas Arana “Rebecca’s Dad,” Billy Zane “Professor Roberts”
Genre: Drama / Thriller
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Just Go With It Isn’t Going Anywhere

Movie Review: Just Go With It (2011)
Summary: On a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a lie told to his girlfriend.
Spoilers: none

In yet another film about relationships and how things only get worse when lies are kept up, Just Go With It follows a plastic surgeon named “Danny Macabee” (Adam Sandler) as he begins a relationship with a much-younger Barbie doll of a girl, “Palmer” (Brooklyn Decker), with the help of his assistance and long-time best friend, “Katherine” (Jennifer Aniston).

Our story follows the same tiresome pattern that we’ve known from, heck, a goddamned eternity in movies: Guy tells lies to get girls. Guy has success in doing so. Guy meets really special girl on whom the lies backfire. To make up for it, he alters his lies, only to learn the hard way that things are doomed from the start when a relationship isn’t built on truth. 

Danny has been attracting the girls by carrying around a ring and claiming to be married, but things are on the rocks as he’s reeling in a rebound from some marital woe (told in short-story form, as you’d expect). When the nights of passion come and go as easily as he could want, he runs into Palmer, who will only date a legitimately single man. For that reason, he turns his failed “bang ‘em and leave ‘em” married man plan into a “we’re married, but divorcing” plan, sequestering the help of Katherine to stand in as his soon-to-be ex.

As you might already suspect, this eye-rolling effort becomes a fantastic mess that some writers think we never grow weary of, wherein our liberty-taking liars run into a few whacky characters that are funny only by America’s Funniest Home Video standards, but a gross disappointment in a movie that is supposed to meaningfully entertain in other ways than stagnant slapstick.

But even lying is not quite this hard, or this fingernails-on-the-chalkboard uncomfortable. In trying to gradually smooth hokey comedy into a genuine love story between Danny and Katherine, it does not quite succeed. But the problem is not acting or bad timing, but a theme that is worn out no matter how you slice it. 

On a trip to Hawaii (paid for by the good doctor to facilitate the lie, feeling he has no other choice in the matter), the mock-divorcing couple runs into the flamboyantly competitive “Devlin Adams” (Nicole Kidman), and then one of the more obnoxious characters in comedies over the last few years, “Eddie” (Nick Swardson), one of the most show-stoppingly stupid creations in some time, and the camel’s-back-breaking straw for this mostly weak and unfunny wind-down.

Katherine has two kids, “Maggie” (Bailee Madison) and “Michael” (Griffin Gluck), whose father hasn’t been in the picture for a long time. Well, I don’t want to be watching this picture, either. 

This rather sad combination of paltry liars are in cahoots to keep Palmer in the dark about things, but of course, Katherine and Danny begin to find that they know each other’s lives so well. In finding out that they harbor each other’s secrets and personal details and sustain a powerfully intimate level of ongoing communication, the film opens up the opportunity for Sandler and Aniston to rise above the muck of their movie in a quick turn at developing what nearly passes as the beginnings of a legitimate romantic spark.

Sandler and Aniston have presences that do indeed permeate. There is some real chemistry here, as well as some level of skilled acting. Kidman’s Devlin stands out in her role like any good red carpet-walker should. Anniston’s curious-but-beautiful down-home girl quality is, of all things, strong, but unfortunately cannot do very much to help things. Count on the charm and (occasional ad libbing) energy of the stars to come close to saving things from wordy dialog that will remind you of how it’s not making you laugh.

Pacing a little too close behind 2009’s Couples Retreat and 2010’s Grown Ups, Just Go With It makes its own way in the world in seeing how long it can teeter the line between being silly and outright insulting to its audience. Director Dennis Dugan who brought us Grown Ups, You Don't Mess With the Zohan (2008), and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2007) brings us Just Go With It, the next in an underachieving line-up. 

The sad part is not that Just Go With It isn’t going anywhere, much less going to be recommended, but that in its C- status as a movie, it still manages to be one of the better Jennifer Aniston flicks in quite a while. The same, one can argue, can be said for Adam Sandler.

(JH)

Grade: C- (2 stars)
Rated: PG-13 (for partial nudity, drug use, language, and suggestive themes)
Director: Dennis Dugan
Starring: Adam Sandler “Danny,” Jennifer Aniston “Katherine” Nicole Kidman “Devlin Adams,” Nick Swardson “Eddie,” Brooklyn Decker “Palmer,” Bailee Madison “Maggie,” Griffin Gluck “Michael,” Dave Matthews “Ian Maxtone Jones,” Kevin Nealon “Adon,” Rachel Dratch “Kirsten Brant,” Allen Covert “Soul Patch,” Dan Patrick “Tanner Patrick,” Minka Kelly “Joanna Damon,” Jackie Sandler “Veruca”
Genre: Comedy / Romance
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Always String the Audience Along Before Being Honest

Movie Review: The Dilemma (2011)
Summary: A man discovers that his best friend’s wife is having an affair.
Spoilers: none

In The Dilemma, “Ronny” (Vince Vaughn) and “Nick” (Kevin James) have been best friends since college. Ronny’s girlfriend, “Beth” (Jennifer Connelly) and Nick’s wife “Geneva” (Winona Ryder) lead seemingly transparent and interactive lives. Both men are partners in a successful auto design business. Their families are close, but the image of what was thought to be an inseparable union is shattered for Ronny when he discovers that Geneva is unfaithful to Nick.

From there, Ronny begins to spiral into an internalized angst on how to break the news to an already stressed-out and ulcer-prone Nick who frequents an Asian massage parlor just to keep sane. With a huge business deal hanging over their heads with the Chrysler Corporation, the added stress begins to take Ronny over the edge as he finds Geneva with her oh-so-sensitive partner in adultery, “Zip” (Channing Tatum).

The snappy chemistry between Vaughn and James is a malleable move forward for a movie about little more than that clichéd notion of a friend who keeps getting misaligned from telling the truth (or otherwise finding every reason not to), much to the frustration of the audience. There is the expected Kevin James-style comedy that involves plenty of awkwardness, and yes, another low blood sugar/panic attack-prone character in the person of Nick.

Business-wise, nearly everything is an effort expressed in football analogies and showy PowerPoint presentations, with Ronny and Nick both present to compliment each other’s personalities. The two get extra help with their business proposition in “Susan Warner” (Queen Latifah) with her characteristically high-energy vibe and shocking tendency for using risqué analogies. 

Lackluster and void of laughs, The Dilemma boasts value for all the wrong reasons. It is constructed like a serious relationship drama, but is wrongly billed as a comedy. The plot being built like a story about fidelity and honesty – but tagged with mostly placid humor – it leaves no room for an ideal audience, and not much room for an audience seeking a down-to-earth romance/comedy romp; it’s serious enough for a drama, but not funny enough to kick back in with humor. It does, on the other hand, have one of the most appreciably awkward toast speeches in the whole history of movies.

While its fall from comedic grace isn’t far, it will fall out of favor with most—but not until it drags the audience along to its distant but inevitable conclusion, practically torturing those few out there who really eat up what it has to offer.

Ron Howard, that directorial genius who brought us Frost/Nixon (2008), Cinderella Man (2005), and A Beautiful Mind (2001) brings us The Dilemma, a work that is, sadly, not one of his greater achievements; but while that may be true, we do not have a “What were you thinking?” moment on Howard. His delicious ability to fortify every twist and turn with a plush and thought-out story is still evident. It just isn’t funny.  

(JH)

Grade: C- (2 stars)
Rated: PG-13 (for sexual themes, drug use, and some violence)
Director: Ron Howard
Starring: Vince Vaughn “Ronny Valentine,” Kevin James “Nick Brannen,” Jennifer Connelly “Beth,” Winona Ryder “Geneva,” Channing Tatum “Zip,” Queen Latifah “Susan Warner,” Amy Morton “Diane Popovich,” Chelcie Ross “Thomas Fern”
Genre: Comedy / Drama
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Doesn’t Really Try to be Epic

Movie Review: The Eagle (2011) 
Summary: In Roman-ruled Britain, a young Roman soldier endeavors to honor his father’s memory by finding his lost legion’s golden emblem.
Spoilers: none

The Eagle, starring Channing Tatum, Donald Sutherland, and Jamie Bell, is a fictionalized story of a Roman soldier and commander named Marcus Flavius Aquila (Tatum) who travels to Scotland to retrieve the golden symbol of the eagle that was confiscated in battle between the soldiers of the ninth battalion and the Brits.

The film is an adaptation of a 1954 novel entitled “The Eagle of the Ninth” by Rosemary Sutcliff. Aquila is the son of “Flavius Aquila” (Aladár Laklóth) who is rumored to have fled in battle and lost the prized eagle during a failed attempt at conquering northward. His son, proud of father since his childhood, remembers and cherishes a small engraving of an eagle he wears around his neck. Marcus defends with vigor the name of his father when he hears it mocked or taken lightly. His most loyal friend and advisor is “Uncle Aquila” (Donald Sutherland).

We are summarily informed in the narrative, which begins in 120 CE, of the un-heard-from battalion and the years following where we are introduced to a young Aquila taking command of an undesirable northern patrol. Burning inside to find out what happened to the lost eagle (the pristine symbol of Rome’s victory), the young commander separates himself in a distinguished command, driven by his own gunning passions and keen instincts.

Aquila meets and saves the life of a slave named “Esca” (Jamie Bell) who, in appreciation, pledges an oath to serve him. Together, they find themselves at “the end of the world,” with Aquila taking Esca on what is considered by the senators to be a suicide mission.

These pre-Christian Roman times when animals and vegetation gods were adored in place of a crucified god-man are well created. The film’s attention to detail is admirable. It thankfully avoids the now-common tendency to overdo make-up or attire, and instead garnishes the soldiers and peasants alike in a bland brown, with grooming that befits the times.

The relaxed dialog that does not at all count on body language to assist with communication is perhaps the film’s biggest setback, and at places, is horribly obtuse. The lack of sagacity behind the performances (including Tatum’s) is only noticeable when seen for what could have been accomplished in a story that had, quite honestly, loads of potential.

The script, however, takes nothing seriously and doesn’t seem to want to be anything beyond a facile story told with the straightforwardness of a kid’s movie. The repetitive flashbacks of Aquila’s father go with his son's obsession to redeem the family name and expand the borders of Rome, but the audience is never brought to receive them with any real emotional weight.

Aquila, like each and every high-ranking Roman authority he answers to, is an imperialist—in fact and in heart. Esca, a despiser of all things Roman and a survivor of a family that was slaughtered in a Roman invasion years earlier, is only bound to Aquila by his bond. Aquila’s advisors feel that given the chance, Esca will betray him, but Aquila’s faith in him overrides the justifiable sense of worry.

What can be frustrating is that there are no subtitles to accompany the sometimes-lengthy non-English speech between the Romans and savages, but this (no doubt unintentionally) serves as a suspense-builder in perilously tight situations at the film’s end where Esca’s loyalty to Aquila is tested.

The Eagle is no remarkable achievement. The acting, like the fighting, is piecemeal, but par for the course in this bare-bones story that is far less epic than Gladiator, but intense and dynamic enough to be the perfect lazy movie for an afternoon of cable channel viewing. Strewn throughout are scenes of bloody battles, crippling injuries, followed by anesthesia-free surgeries—all of them things we can appreciate as points of interest in the time period.

But not to be spat upon, there is something just about worth seeing here. The movie’s applicable analysis of what it means to trust, to possess loyalty, and to value personhood in spite of blind, nationalistic motives gives The Eagle all the marks of a would-be legendary tale – including superb pacing – in the package of a straight-up, old-fashioned story that simply is what it is.

(JH)

Grade: C+ (2 ½ stars)
Rated: PG-13 (for battle sequences and some disturbing images)
Director: Kevin Macdonald
Starring: Channing Tatum “Marcus Aquila,” István Göz “Cohort Centurion,” Bence Gerö “Young Marcus,” Denis O’Hare “Lutorius,” Paul Ritter “Galba,” Aladár Laklóth “Flavius Aquila,” Donald Sutherland “Uncle Aquila”
Genre: Adventure / Drama
Trailer

The Warriors of Qiugang

Documentary Review: The Warriors of Quigang: A Chinese Village Fights Back (2010)
Summary: A Chinese village fights back against water and air pollution that threatens to destroy their home.
Spoilers: NA

The title sounds like an epic martial arts movie about a city of lowly-but-deadly-with-their-hands peasants who use Kung Fu to fight off the cruel minions of a ruthless warlord as the hero prepares to face the last bad guy against whom he’ll square off in grueling hand-to-hand combat before walking away victoriously.

But things are a little different. These warriors are warriors in another sense. Our hero is Zhang Gongli, the spokesman and representative for the nearly 1900 residents of a small Chinese village called Quigang in the Anhui Province of China.

In the heavily industrious heartland of China, Gongli and his fellow residents are at war with the pesticide, dye, and chemical companies that since 1970 have been polluting their water and air, turning their rivers black with sludge and the air dense with the eye-burning smog of evaporating poisons.

As the body count of residents grows due to the rise of various forms of cancer and other sicknesses, Gongli finds the strength to keep fighting the good fight to right the wrongs of the Jiucailuo Chemical plant and the large, deep-pocketed enterprises that back it up. The story of the citizens of Quigang is made all the more interesting in that their struggle is in a communist country where being outspoken can bring a lot of trouble.

As he marches on, Gongli is seen as both a troublemaker and a hero, in his tireless efforts of filing paperwork to move forward with lawsuits and to raise awareness of the problem with the invaluable help of the environmentalist group, Green Anhui.

On the very difficult road to making progress is stalling and stark resistance, and even violence, brought on by corporate thugs. But these determined citizens truck on, using every legal means at their disposal.

In this 39-minute documentary with English subtitles, Chinese-American filmmaker and director Ruby Yang – with cinematographer Guan Xin and writer/collaborator Thomas Lennon – we are given a look into the last three years of an uphill battle fought by citizens of a city who weren’t even looking for a fight. It's as touching as it is brave.

(JH)

Grade: A+ (4 stars)
Rated: No MPAA rating
Director: Ruby Yang
Starring: Zhang Gongli and residents of Quigang Village
Genre: Documentary / Short
Trailer
View documentary in full here

A Bunch of Horny Doctors, Some Dating, and Maybe Love

Movie Review: No Strings Attached (2011)
Summary: A guy and girl try to keep their relationship strictly physical, but find that they want something more.
Spoilers: none

No Strings Attached is a lighthearted romance with an appealing cast, culminating in a story that holds its own in terms of the humor and eroticism it offers.

Ashton Kutcher is “Adam,” the son of “Alvin” (Kevin Kline). Adam's childhood crush, “Emma” (Natalie Portman), he keeps running into over the course of 15 years. In that time, she has become his oldest friend. And while time keeps moving him forward, his strange attraction to her hasn’t faded with each unexpected encounter.

When their paths cross for the final time, they will at last move out of “the friend zone” and settle into a mutually agreeable, sex-only relationship on the fly, with rules against things like eating breakfast together, exchanging compliments, cuddling, or staring into each others’ eyes after “the act.” This pleases Emma, but is a steadily building and unexpressed disappointment for Adam, who cheesily tries to escalate things as he makes it more than obvious to everyone around him that he is smitten by her.

The surging humor has its notably high and low moments, most of it aimed to resonate with the guys. Adam’s friends, “Wallace” (Ludacris) and “Eli” (Jake M. Johnson), are trying to convince Adam he is living the single man’s dream. Eli: “Ten years from now, you’re going to be having sex with your wife! And it’s gonna be in the missionary position! And one if you is going to be asleep!”

Assumptions to be made about the film are that Adam gets tired of things, which leads to the couple’s before-it-began breakup, suggesting a happy reuniting when the sadness of love lost is realized. Well, assumptions can be right or wrong. No Strings Attached follows suit more often than choosing not to, but there is more here than pretty kids hooking up from well-to-do families.

Though the issues inside Emma’s head are never really explored, it’s enough for the writers to inform you that “commitment issues” are a thing women face as well as men. The loose believability and raunchy, nonchalant attitudes of Emma’s roommates, all of them doctors or doctors-in-training, bring in a like-ability to the outplaying of events that takes the plot in a direction that avoids most clichés and makes for some ass-baring entertainment on the part of Kutcher himself.

Adam’s would-be competition is “Sam” (Ben Lawson), a fellow doctor who sees Emma on a daily basis and is fighting for her heart. And what is a romance movie without some competition? But the moment we start to expect the development of a love triangle, we get nothing. The character is just dropped out of the writing.

Adam’s father is an ego-driven, casual drug-user with a tendency to take advantage of being used just for sex. Trying to create some kind of weird drama that does nothing for the story, dad and his latest squeeze, “Vanessa” (Ophelia Lovibond), is Adam’s former girlfriend. Yuck!

Adam resents his father, and though he is in a similar sex-only relationship with Emma, what is supposed to be highlighted is that he will have learned the lesson before his old man. It’s the film’s way of saying: “Hey, listen. There are still some good guys out there who really want a nice life with a great girl.”

The film is saying one other thing not to be missed by anyone, and it is something everyone who is mature knows: Sex involves complex emotions. Try and try as you might, you won’t avoid the hurt that will finally catch up to you. The film uses the appeal of near-nudity and heavy thematic sex to get our attention before declaring in not so many words: “Keep doing this and you’ll get hurt.”

No Strings Attached is a tasty mixture of rich sexual content consistent with male-oriented romances, but with a personalized female attention to detail in the exchanges, sold with charisma by a devoted cast of actors who know and feel their parts.

The movie is primarily good as sexual fuel for couples in love – and that despite a terribly unfunny and ridiculous opening with no appeal whatsoever. Things get more erotically intense and emotively engrossing as we approach the finality. Romantics will for sure be taken while the rest of us may not mind, either.

(JH)

Grade: C+ (2 ½ stars)
Rated: R (for sexual content, language, and some drug material)
Director: Ivan Reitman
Starring: Natalie Portman “Emma,” Ashton Kutcher “Adam,” Kevin Kline “Alvin,” Cary Elwes “Dr. Metzner,” Greta Gerwig “Patrice,” Lake Bell “Lucy,” Olivia Thirlby “Katie,” Ludacris “Wallace,” Jake M. Johnson “Eli,” Mindy Kaling “Shira”
Genre: Comedy / Romance
Trailer

Has No Spinning Heads or Pea Soup

Movie Review: The Rite (2011)
Summary: A young priest in training travels to Rome to study exorcism to contemplate his faith.
Spoilers: none

 “I feel like I’ve been put through the ringer!” This was one response from someone at the same screening I attended, and it is a fiercely accurate summation of the viewing experience, I’d guess, of the whole audience.

The Rite is another movie said to be “inspired by true events,” being very loosely based on a book by author Matt Baglio entitled, “The Rite: The Making of a Modern Exorcist.” The name “Gary Thomas,” the renowned priest whose experiences the film draws from, has been replaced with “Michael Kovak.” The supporting details of the entire plot are fictional.

“Michael Kovak” (Colin O’Donoghue) is the son of funeral home owner and operator, “Istvan Kovak” (Rutger Hauer) who brought up his son in the family business. But young Michael, not satisfied, and seeking a new career and a way to pay for college, turns to a four-year-long seminary stint in priest training as an option, much to the disbelief of best friend, “Eddie” (Chris Marquette).

After finishing his training, Michael decides not to go through with his vows, believing he sought out the ministry as an escape from his own sense of emptiness and lacking sense of direction. But his resignation is put on hold when “Father Matthew” (Toby Jones) expresses his faith in him, agreeing to send him to Rome at the church’s expense to examine the rite of exorcism. While Michael considers it little more than a vacation, Father Matthew holds out hope that it will serve to pull Michael’s faith-struggling mind through its storm of doubt.

Michael arrives in Rome and begins the course. After heavily resisting with his ingrained skepticism the conventional and easily explained-away incidents of possessions in the teaching cirriculum of “Father Xavier” (Ciarán Hinds), he is referred to study under veteran exorcist, “Father Lucas Trevant” (Anthony Hopkins), an eccentric Welsh priest of the Jesuit Order with highly unconventional methods.

What makes The Rite a standout among movies on the subject of exorcism is its combination of the personalities of Kovak and Trevant. Here, the focus is not just sporting creepy theatrics in a saintly, historical setting, with unforeseen forces of evil making themselves known while all who see them tremble. The focus of The Rite is its reliance on the beginnings of dynamic debate on what constitutes proof of the divine. Notice I said, beginnings.

Rather than stagnating in the showing off of bizarre body contortions and hell-spawned screams from the bowels of Gehenna (though it has plenty of both), the film takes its time getting to where it wants to go, but never does it relinquish its sense of earnestness in doing a nearly decent job of making skeptics and atheists answer the question: “What evidence of the divine will truly be good enough for you?” It tries. We atheists give it credit for that. 

Both Trevant and Kovak are at-heart skeptics, and it is implied, have faced and do face the same struggles. But Trevant has had years to question his beliefs, to look at the evidence, and then to find the explaining away of proofs tiring and pointless. There’s always something inside, scratching away, tearing at us, forcing us to come back out and re-examine the evidence, says Trevant. It is that evidence that convinces him more than the super strength of a demon-possessed human being or nail-spitting (we atheists would prefer the latter for examination purposes, of course). Kovak hasn’t come that far, and he has yet to see what Trevant sees on a daily basis.

We godless atheists are in constant awe of how many “legitimate demon possessions” those who believe in seem to run into, but this film does at least try to have some respect for skepticism. As Trevant puts it when Kovak is underwhelmed with seeing his first exorcism: “What did you expect? Spinning heads and pea soup?”

Trevant welcomes his skeptical tagalong because he sees so much of himself in him, despite the fact that Kovak becomes immediately convinced that Trevant is an old fruitcake and that his “bag of tricks” involves allowing the gullible to remain gullible about their archaic religious views. Meanwhile, the “battle” between faith and reason rages on as the story unfolds—at least it does so as the director has determined it to.

And this is one of the lighter weaknesses of the film: audiences will not spend too much time wandering which side is winning! It’s not so much about making the audience think or decide for themselves what is real between natural verses supernatural, as it is about making the audience know that the conquering of good over evil is a certainty. This nails the lid shut on this film, confirming it as a fresh, theist-leaning romp in Supernaturalland. Religious audiences will appreciate that, but they’ll soon find that the movie’s last 25 minutes nearly ruins everything that was accomplished in the first hour. From there, its rambunctious theatrics and clumsy religious pandering makes it seem more like an over-dramatized play sponsored by a fundamentalist church rather than an objective comparison of skepticism and religion.

It is still sad to fault a movie when the performances of Hopkins and O’Donoghue measure so high, with an accompanying supporting performance of Alice Braga’s reporter and Kovak’s potential love interest, “Angeline Vargas.” These performances are well above par, but it is because of the efforts of Hopkins that The Rite can add in smidgens of humor like it does without ever detracting from the ominous feel of any given segment.

From start to finish, the build-up is near perfect. The lighting and atmosphere – set up with the right mixture of mood-setting images and background flashes that always move forward to what you need to see next – is spot on. Among exorcism films, The Rite should prove an especially worthy watch for all who subscribe to the belief in holy relics and the casting out of devils.

(JH)

Grade: C+ (2 ½ stars)
Rated: PG-13 (for disturbing thematic material, violence, frightening images, and language, including sexual references)
Director: Mikael Håfström
Starring: Anthony Hopkins “Father Lucas Trevant,” Colin O’Donoghue “Michael Kovak,” Alice Braga “Angeline,” Ciarán Hinds “Father Xavier,” Toby Jones “Father Matthew,” Rutger Hauer “Istvan Kovak,” Marta Gastini “Rosaria,” Maria Grazia Cucinotta “Aunt Andria,” Chris Marquette “Eddie”
Genre: Drama / Horror / Thriller
Trailer

God is the Sandman

I’ve come to appreciate it even more since my plantar fasciitis surgery. I’m talking about sleep. And you don’t need a top-of-the-line Serta mattress or a Sleep Number bed system to profoundly appreciate that statement.

Sleep is the best part of my life now more so than it was just one month ago. In sleep, I get to rest my nearly useless left foot. In sleep, I let my mind go as I mentally fall to pieces in a close-eyed siesta that will compose the best part of my day.

Looming problems and daily concerns are suddenly frozen in time with the rolling over and clutching of my favorite pillow under clean sheets and quilts. In sleep, the restless mind can defrag from the day’s load of life’s awful doses. There, I am in sync with the lazy and indifferent world that continually sleeps, as it cares not for me in day or night. I don’t care for it, either.

A Claustrophobic Cave Movie

Movie Review: Sanctum (2011)
Summary: A group of explorers fight to stay alive when they are trapped in a flooding and unexplored cave in Papua, New Guinea.
Spoilers: none

Directed by Alister Grierson, with executive producer James Cameron, the events of Sanctum, said to be “inspired by true events,” take place in “the mother of all caves,” in a cave system called Esa Ala in Papua, New Guinea.

The original true story on which the movie is based is the story of Andrew Wight and can be found here and here. While the beautiful underwater scenery might be considered reminiscent of Cameron's The Abyss (1989), there is nothing more than a superficial connection.

Veteran explorer “Frank” (Richard Roxburgh) and his dedicated team of life-risking adventurers find their ambitions to explore a series of underwater passages leading out to the Solomon Sea met with fierce resistance from an impending cyclone that approaches land. If they cannot finish their explorations in time, they will be forced to leave and resume at a future date at grievous expense to those who provide the funding. When the massive storm arrives sooner than expected, the team is thrust into an extra early evacuation that puts them in sudden peril.

“Josh” (Rhys Wakefield), the willful and partially estranged son of Frank, finds himself working with dad to save the lives of his comrades from the dangers of flooding caverns, failing breathing apparatuses, deadly drop-offs, decompression sickness, failing flashlight batteries at the most crucial of times—and not to be left out, the dangerous loss of nerve resulting in someone doing something “bat shit” crazy that puts everyone on the team in harm's way. 

It should have been the personal relationships and clashes of character under sandpaper strain that put Sanctum over the top, certifying it as a gripping movie where keeping your head amidst crisis is key. Getting lost and trapped in caves that stretch far underground and away from civilization should lay the ideal background for any drama. But here, the characters subtract from a well-paced story of looming mortality and against-the-odds chances of survival. The lifeless and largely pointless banter between members of the crew is a big detraction from a movie that – all the way to its very core – demands to be taken seriously.

“Carl” (Ioan Gruffudd) is engaged to "Victoria" (Alice Parkinson) and is a financial backer of the expedition, but they – like all the non-leads – do not possess the personality distinctions or depth that allow them to provide the necessary contrasts to stand out when required. The result: the whole lot suffers because of these and other unripened roles that would have benefited greatly from better defining qualities and a more personable script. 

And while the diverse and crisply-accented crew does fit the bill as a distinctly non-American band of explorers (who actually look and feel their parts), the pronounced overacting that starts things off never really disappears. The antics of this team and their competitively high-school-ish attitudes are not something that fits with the movie's beckoning gravity. 

Most regrettably, when tensions heat up and sanity begins to wear away among them, we find that we are not very invested in the well-being of anyone, even with the expressed despair of do-what-needs-to-be-done-and-grieve-later Frank who begins to feel the pressure, and shows it by snapping at Carl when his authority is challenged: “There is no god down here. This place doesn't give a rat's ass about me or you. We're just bits of dust passing through.” The impact of a disturbing drowning death is, of course, lessened incredibly when you are left to feel like you just witnessed an extra being taken out.

Despite a rather unimpressive use of 3-D and a number of flickering scenes where it is not totally clear who is seeing what, Sanctum does at least succeed at making the viewer feel extremely claustrophobic as any respectable cave movie should. If you dread closed-space dead-ends and air-pocketed, underwater caverns that are as featureless as they are cold and inhospitable, leading nowhere but to panic attacks, Sanctum will do the trick.

With the kicking to the curb of the melodrama, these freshly talented new faces would have had that much better of a springboard for being noticed. It is regrettable, however, that Sanctum, even with its $30,000,000 budget, didn't live up to its James Cameron-backed potential. Can't hit a homerun every time, I suppose. 

(JH)

Grade: D+ (1 ½ stars)
Rated: R (for language, some violence, and disturbing images)
Director: Alister Grierson
Starring: Richard Roxburgh "Frank," Ioan Gruffudd "Carl," Rhys Wakefield "Josh," Alice Parkinson "Victoria," Dan Wyllie "Crazy George," Christopher Baker "J.D.," Nicole Downs "Liz"
Genre: Action / Adventure / Drama / Thriller
Trailer

The Bald and the Destructive

Movie Review: The Mechanic (2011)
Summary: An elite hit man teaches his trade to an apprentice who has a connection to one of his previous victims.
Spoilers: none

The Mechanic, starring Jason Statham as an elite assassin doing the “dirty work” of the powers that be, is proof yet again that bald bad boys are good in Hollywood when accompanied by even balder shoulders of rock-hard muscle, and a scruffy, unshaven look that spells coolness like only Statham can sport.

Statham is Arthur Bishop, a calculating, emotionless “clean-up guy” whose skills may not create an original character, but do pave the way in making a movie that does what all good bad-guys-killing-bad-guys movies do, which is make the job of being the bad guy look that much easier, not to mention cooler than hell. We know the coolest bad guys are able to strut their stuff without too much wear-and-tear on the old conscience, nor yet fear of camera surveillance or getting caught. Such is the case here. 

But despite his meticulous ability to work alone and keep business business, Bishop finds himself moved to take on and mentor Steve McKenna (Ben Foster), the son of deceased comrade Harry McKenna (Donald Sutherland) with a history in the same black bag business. Bishop carries on his work while training Steve, as the two find themselves becoming a deadly duo, carrying out assignments together that put them at odds with an assortment of peculiar characters, including assassin-funding corporation leader, Dean (Tony Goldwyn). The team is threatened, however, when secrets about Steve's fathers' death begin to seep out. 

The Mechanic focuses heavily on its two main characters. And while they show little depth, they are sufficient for heading up what everyone else in the movie is intended to provide—target practice for our two leads in a quest that will make for plenty of explosives and weapon-crafting, with plenty of gunfire and infiltration/escape from delightfully perilous situations. There are no cross-haired plot dynamics that make the viewer think too much. You get to relish every bit of on-screen destruction that unfolds before your eyes with trails of fire.

The movie follows the same pattern as many of the more mundane action shoot 'em ups: Bad guy gets assignment. Bad guy decides against assignment, switches sides, and finds himself making enemies of former business partners and allies. This leads to bad guy coolly killing other bad guys - with an amazing amount of luck on his side - while the audience puts down a Mr. Pibb and a bucket of popcorn. It's all really entertaining in its straightforwardness.

The framework may be familiar, but the running theme adds a credibility to the whole undertaking: Revenge gets you killed, so if you're going to kill, you've got to be in the proper state of mind—know your opponent, and for Christ’s sake, keep in the right mindset. Our hero's way of managing that is to go about preparing his instruments while listening to classical piano music.

Behold, a finesseful walk through the trash, one that polishes every piece of discarded junk with high shine and a lot of pride. The shifting in and out of new jobs, the questionable stunts, the abrupt and short sex scenes, the brutal fights sequences that go the distance instead of ending in quick knock-outs, and very the few words from Steve in his semi-disturbing portrayal of a troubled man in grief, is simply satisfying. We need very little sophistication to appreciate what is offered here in abundance.

(JH)

Grade: B- (3 stars)
Rated: R (for strong brutal violence throughout, language, some sexual content, and nudity)
Director: Simon West
Starring: Jason Statham "Arthur Bishop," Ben Foster "Steve McKenna," Tony Goldwyn "Dean," Donald Sutherland "Harry McKenna," Jeff Chase "Burke," Mini Anden "Sarah," James Logan "Jorge Lara"
Genre: Action / Drama / Thriller
Trailer

For Those who Dress and Marry Off Their Dogs

Movie Review: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 (2011)
Summary: A group of dogs band together to save Sam's parents' house and to stop a robbery.
Spoilers: none

Chloe and Papi, the same two lovable chihuahuas from Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008), are back again, this time with a large enough family to unintentionally validate those funny Mexican stereotypes. The litter reunites with their German Shepherd lookout buddy, Delgado (Andy Garcia), to save Sam's (Marcus Coloma) parents' house from going back to the bank while still finding time to stop a robbery.

It's hard to think that so much energy was put into a crappy direct-to-DVD project like this one just for the sake of a movie that absolutely depends on lines like: "You may lick the bride!" In fact, put any K-9 pun-based quip or phrase together and you have one of the staples with which a movie like Beverly Hills Chihuahua II is supported: "Your conduct is off leash." So easy to get material for the script. So easy. But clearly, their are big enough animal lovers to justify this thoughtless effort--that or we're just getting another crappy talking animal movie. Still, young enough audiences won't know the difference.

In the second edition, we have nearly the same star power as in the original film, minus Drew Barrymore as the voice of Chloe (replaced by Odette Yustman) and minus Jamie Lee Curtis as "Aunt Viv" (replaced by Susan Blakely). But that shouldn't hurt too bad, not with George Lopez back as the more than enthusiastic voice behind "Papi," the stereotypically Mexican chihuahua.

Crossing an audience of young children who will be fond of the animals with the dog enthusiast crowd should be a safe bet, ensuring that the film will be well received. You have two classes of audience who may genuinely like this K-9-crazy sequel, which is - as far as direct-to-DVD sequels go - not a bad addition in terms of the way it reunites the characters and provides an engaging story. For when we consider that this film is almost laughably inaccurate even with its dog history facts, we are still no worse off. It is lazily produced and researched. Even the credits are incomplete, and the trailers are poorly made and shotty.

But just like the last one, the "Taco Bell dog" antics and a story almost void of plot-mindful intelligence demands that this one be saved from the movie graveyard only by its cuteness. This time, we have dog shows to go with an increase in the number of talking dogs.

The plot has more holes than a deli-fresh block of swiss cheese, and even the singing in the credits is bad, but I'll be damned if a solid case can't be made that a movie with this many dogs can fail to qualify as adorable, despite it all. 

(JH)

Grade: C- (2 stars)
Rated: G
Director: Alex Zamm
Starring: Odette Yustman "Chloe" (voice), Bridgit Mendler "Appoline" (voice), Madison Pettis "Lala" (voice), Elaine Hendrix "Colleen Mansfield" Appoline's Owner, Olivia Newton-John "Ernie Hudson," George Lopez "Papi," Zachary Gordon "Papi Junior," French Stewart "Beverly Hills Dog Show Commentator," Morgan Fairchild "Beverly Hills Dog Show Commentator," Jon Huertas "Alberto"
Genre: Comedy / Family
Trailer