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Showing posts from November, 2010

The Spooky Truth About Spunk: The Low-down on Working in a Porn Store (Part I of III)

About being able to work in a porn store, someone close to me said: “You have to be off in some small way to even be able to apply for employment.” I can’t say I disagree with him. Maybe I’m off in some way because I once worked at one. The experience was, to say the least, unforgettable. 

You almost have to be there, but I can describe the atmosphere for you. Much to the displeasure of the atheist/agnostic/libertarian “less rules” crowd, there is that unfortunate tendency of announcing sexual freedom and looseness of regulations that works against the overall happiness of mankind. That tendency is seen when the most deeply disturbing of behaviors, which rests within the dark, sticky reservoirs of a pervert’s mind come right to the surface for all to be repulsed by.

Another Denzel Washington/Tony Scott Train Movie

Movie Review: Unstoppable (2010)
Spoilers: none

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Unstoppable, starring Denzel Washington, Rosario Dawson, Chris Pine, and T.J. Miller, is loosely based on the true story of a train gone out of control while coming from an Ohio train station in 2001. Denzel Washington plays an experienced engineer, Frank, alongside a rookie fresh out of training, Will Coalson (Chris “Star Trek” Pine). Connie (Dawson “Seven Pounds”) is an eye-pleasing and always likable train station manager.

Due to a conductor's error, train #777 is pushed into acceleration mode with the air brakes unset and no one on board to stop it. This leads to efforts on the part of a host of law enforcement officials and crisis prevention managers to stop the half-mile-long load of fuels and lethal chemicals before it goes off the rails in the well populated city of Stanton and causes disaster.

Unstoppable has all the spirit needed for a hero's movie based on a true story, but as such, its synthesized feel and artificial d…

Suckline

Movie Review: Skyline (2010)
Spoilers: none

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Aliens that appear to swim in the air like those machines from The Matrix, having too many eyes and the ability to lure in captives with shining light, come to earth to kidnap human beings. That’s what the science fiction film Skyline is about.

But I needn’t mention that it’s science fiction. This film goes so far out of its way to remind the audience of that fact that it’s pitiful. There aren’t that many scenes where blue light from alien crafts and eyes aren’t glaring back at us, or where floating alien droids invading apartment buildings with their long, octopus arms can’t be seen with an inexplicably high level of interest in a measly few humans hunkered down in one particular high-rise apartment complex.

These aliens operate a lot like those from Independence Day (1996), but these are after human beings for biological reasons instead of an outright desire to destroy the species. The military is a little slow to respond, not to mention ou…

For Colored Girls

Movie Review: For Colored Girls (2010)
Spoilers: none

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As a minister, I once visited a church where I was the guest speaker. Being shown around by that church's preacher, we came to the podium where I noticed a peculiar shape on the wall. I got closer to see what this peculiar box was next to the thermostat just before the baptistery. I looked inside and there was a patch of red. It looked like blood. It was blood. Underneath it was a gold plaque that said: “The Fruits of Sin.”

When I asked what that meant, the preacher laughingly told me: “Oh, before me, this church had a preacher who started fooling around with another man's wife. The husband found out about it and came up here and hit the man in the face and the blood spattered on the wall. After firing the preacher, the elders decided not to clean it off, but to use it as a teaching tool.”

Like this crimson and undeniably effective teaching tool, For Colored Girls is a movie with a title that stands out. It takes a dated, pa…

It's No Planes, Trains, and Automobiles!

Movie Review: Due Date (2010)
Spoilers: none

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It seemed like it would be the same drill…bag switches at an airport, leading to a very contrived set-up of unbelievable circumstances to get two unrelated and totally opposite personalities into taking a road trip together. Well, yes, it turned out to be the same drill.

Peter Highman (Robert Downey Jr.) is heading back to Los Angeles to join his wife as they give birth to their first child. He runs into Ethan Tremblay (Zach “The Hangover” Galifianakis), and that's when things start to go frustratingly wrong. As he finds himself banned from flying, the only way to get home and make the arrival of his new baby is to ride with the scatterbrained, socially inept, Hollywood-aspiring actor headed for the same city.

Due Date is infuriating instead of funny, at least that's the state of affairs as it opens with just about zero laughs and as much frustration as a white nationalist in a diversity training seminar. Both Downey and Galifianakis…

Superman Never Had This Much Fun

Movie Review: Megamind (2010)
Spoilers: none

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Will Ferrell, Brad Pitt, Tina Fey, and Jonah Hill star (voice) in the sensational, Superman-slamming 3-D action-comedy, Megamind.

With a lot to offer everyone, this moving story about two orphaned aliens that arrive on earth and grow to become hero and villain is packed full of refined Dreamworks-quality animation and enough excitement to render the 3-D aspect totally unneeded.

Arriving on earth to escape doom on their home world, Megamind (Ferrell) and Metro Man (Pitt) are given very different upbringings. Drawing the short end of the stick on fortune and in the throws of despair, Megamind vows to become the greatest super-villain of all time. But when the opportunity for world domination arises, the sharply ambitious Megamind finds himself in want. His perspective further shifts when he meets a spit-fire reporter, Roxanne Ritchi (Fey) and creates his own new nemesis, Tighten (Hill), presenting a whole new set of challenges.

Megamind is craf…

Best Worst Movie: Crazy Cult Classic Goes Crazier

Documentary Review: Best Worst Movie (2009/2010 DVD)
Spoilers: NA

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Michael Paul Stephenson's Best Worst Movie is a documentary film about the making of the 1990 low-budgeter, Troll 2. So, in essence, the scope of this review will be covering two movies rather than one. Until recently, Troll 2 could be watched legally and for free at Hulu.com. Sadly, it is no longer available. However you are able to see it, please realize that you owe it to yourself to see this impossibly bad Hindenburg of a horror film if you have not already. Keep reading and I'll explain why.

It was the summer of 1989 when filming began. It lasted three weeks in a small town in Utah. Michael Paul Stephenson was the child actor who landed the lead role of “Joshua Waits.” In this cultic-ular Italian-made movie, 10-year-old Joshua receives visions from his deceased grandfather, “Grandpa Seth” (Robert Ormsby), to persuade his family to leave the town of NILBOG where they are visiting before they are forced to e…

Jigsaw Gets Back at Bitches Who Cheat!

Movie Review: Saw 3-D (2010)
Spoilers: none

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The director and writers of Saw 3-D must have looked back at this now bled-dry series and said what every smart filmmaker would when the words “horror” and “Halloween” are found together in the same sentence: Why not go for the cash kitty with the Saw series this Halloween one more time? Aren’t young, stupid teens worth that much? Why not take their money?

Granted, there's nowhere to go with the characters or the plot. They know that. And because of this and other unnecessary sequels, the Saw series will be the subject of parodies for years to come. That didn't stop them from cashing in on the newer generation being willing to spend money to go and see the worst acted yet among Saw films—more badly acted than part II with its room full of kids at each other's throats, and worse than part IV with its abysmally confusing flashbacks taken to a new level...and worse in terms of quality to all others of the series after part III that…