It is night and things are slowed down as I see them. I know only that much. But for all I know, whatever I am seeing may be a world where there is perpetual night. Maybe this world is so far from its sun that the only light I see is a faintly glowing moon, faintly glowing, but with enough light to lighten the beautiful things I see around me. There are strange vibrations that kindly strike the ears, subtle though they are. The sounds are curious and troubling. For only small portions of a split second do they stop and begin again, but it's like they never stopped at all.
What I am seeing troubles me, makes my heart race. It is a vast world, a night sky, huge and sufficiently decorated by stars I know not. I can see them all because there are no city lights. There is a large, bright purple object in the sky of some life-form, a large and powerful carbon being.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
He Puts American Flags in His Bombs
Movie Title: MacGruber (2010)
Spoilers: none
---
Get ready for a man so American that he puts American flags inside the bombs he makes. Everyone will call him a moron soon enough, but you'll call him MacGruber first. It's the only name by which he is known at any time in the film. He has no other names and he's like a military celebrity, but more cerebrally challenged. Even his enemies at first suppose him to be mentally handicapped and dismiss him as a possible threat. That’s an advantage even he can’t blow.
As MacGruber, former SNL cast member Will Forte steps into a role he was meant to play. MacGruber is a war hero gone into hiding, having allowed the world to think he is dead. This was brought on by the death of his to-be wife, Casey (Maya Rudolph). Her sister, Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) was part of his old team and the only member who doesn't get blown to bits by 75 pounds of C4, incompetently rigged by MacGruber himself.
Rambo-ishly, MacGruber is visited by Colonel James Faith (Powers Boothe), a plain-spoken, fine American--the kind he played as over-the-top, cowboy Vice President Noah Daniels on 24. Thanks to Col. Faith, MacGruber is talked back into action and hooks up with a young and actually smart, Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Philippe). With Vicki St. Elmo, the team of three find themselves against MacGruber's old archenemy, Dieter von Cunth (played by a heavier and European-ized Val Kilmer) who plans to reduce Washington D.C. with a nuke.
For MacGruber, it's an opportunity for revenge. Cunth is a painting, art-minded villain set on destroying D.C. His minions tend to everything he needs done. He hosts suit-and-tie events, but is willing to throw unwanted guests out of parties through windows like on Master Ninja.
MacGruber may not be much for strategy (he's on level with Peter Griffin in that regard). But he can yell and curse and make a scene with un-toppable sarcasm. When the occasion calls for it, he dances around nude with celery in his ass (he does so to distract the bad guys). And he curses up a storm at funerals before grieving audiences. Some of his more witty lines are: "Never ever say never ever."
He knows how to use martial arts to rip the throats out of his opponents in a fight, but that's all he knows how to do. The rest of the time, he's getting tossed out of windows like lounge lizards against a Terminator. But MacGruber has intuition and medals of honor from the president to go with it - probably just because he has naked pictures of him - but he still has the metals.
No, this guy isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but like the movie, the character is damn funny. MacGruber is a slam against slow-motion screams and other 1980s filming styles. Everything from American Ninja to James Bond villains are borrowed for fun in this long-running SNL skit.
MacGruber is a lady's man with a high libido. Saturday Night Live Director Jorma Taccone has been directing SNLs since 2003, and in his directorial movie debut, has taken the liberty of showing us just how very vocal MacGruber is in bed, as he sounds like a perfectly ordinary subway pervert getting his jollies atop an already stiff corpse hidden under some crumpled newspapers. When sobbing and in need of something from you, MacGruber has the disturbing tendency to offer to bone anything you want.
MacGruber is 90 minutes of put-down comedy--the lead character himself being the brunt of most of that. It is relieving to know that beneath the silly humor of incompetence, ass celery stunts, and outrageous characterizations is the fact that society is full of talked-up stupids who should never have made it as far as they did. MacGruber being the prime example, he is the spirit of socially maladjusted mental-cases, of simplistic patriots and department store-working junkies with drops of ineptness practically rolling off their long, thick heads of hair.
MacGruber, as a film, is like any friend of a friend: some will love him and others will hate him. Some will find him offensive, tastelessly nasty, and/or just plain stupid. Others still will just dismiss him as simply insane, putting him in that rather broad category known as "not for everyone." But to others, he is, of all things, undeniably funny, a jaw-dropping companion to spend time with while winding down. Won't you join me?
(JH)
---
Grade: A- (4 stars) Recommended!
Rated: R (for strong and crude sexual content, violence, language, and some nudity)
Director: Jorma Taccone
Summary: Ex-special operative MacGruber is called back into action to take down his archenemy, Dieter Von Cunth, who is in possession of a nuclear warhead.
Starring: Will Forte "MacGruber," Kristen Wiig "Vicki St. Elmo," Ryan Phillippe "Lt. Dixon Piper," Val Kilmer "Dieter Von Cunth," Powers Boothe "Col. James Faith," Maya Rudolph "Casey," Chris Jericho "Frank Korver," Mark Henry "Tut Beemer"
Genre: Action / Comedy
Trailer
Spoilers: none
---
Get ready for a man so American that he puts American flags inside the bombs he makes. Everyone will call him a moron soon enough, but you'll call him MacGruber first. It's the only name by which he is known at any time in the film. He has no other names and he's like a military celebrity, but more cerebrally challenged. Even his enemies at first suppose him to be mentally handicapped and dismiss him as a possible threat. That’s an advantage even he can’t blow.
As MacGruber, former SNL cast member Will Forte steps into a role he was meant to play. MacGruber is a war hero gone into hiding, having allowed the world to think he is dead. This was brought on by the death of his to-be wife, Casey (Maya Rudolph). Her sister, Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) was part of his old team and the only member who doesn't get blown to bits by 75 pounds of C4, incompetently rigged by MacGruber himself.
Rambo-ishly, MacGruber is visited by Colonel James Faith (Powers Boothe), a plain-spoken, fine American--the kind he played as over-the-top, cowboy Vice President Noah Daniels on 24. Thanks to Col. Faith, MacGruber is talked back into action and hooks up with a young and actually smart, Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Philippe). With Vicki St. Elmo, the team of three find themselves against MacGruber's old archenemy, Dieter von Cunth (played by a heavier and European-ized Val Kilmer) who plans to reduce Washington D.C. with a nuke.
For MacGruber, it's an opportunity for revenge. Cunth is a painting, art-minded villain set on destroying D.C. His minions tend to everything he needs done. He hosts suit-and-tie events, but is willing to throw unwanted guests out of parties through windows like on Master Ninja.
MacGruber may not be much for strategy (he's on level with Peter Griffin in that regard). But he can yell and curse and make a scene with un-toppable sarcasm. When the occasion calls for it, he dances around nude with celery in his ass (he does so to distract the bad guys). And he curses up a storm at funerals before grieving audiences. Some of his more witty lines are: "Never ever say never ever."
He knows how to use martial arts to rip the throats out of his opponents in a fight, but that's all he knows how to do. The rest of the time, he's getting tossed out of windows like lounge lizards against a Terminator. But MacGruber has intuition and medals of honor from the president to go with it - probably just because he has naked pictures of him - but he still has the metals.
No, this guy isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but like the movie, the character is damn funny. MacGruber is a slam against slow-motion screams and other 1980s filming styles. Everything from American Ninja to James Bond villains are borrowed for fun in this long-running SNL skit.
MacGruber is a lady's man with a high libido. Saturday Night Live Director Jorma Taccone has been directing SNLs since 2003, and in his directorial movie debut, has taken the liberty of showing us just how very vocal MacGruber is in bed, as he sounds like a perfectly ordinary subway pervert getting his jollies atop an already stiff corpse hidden under some crumpled newspapers. When sobbing and in need of something from you, MacGruber has the disturbing tendency to offer to bone anything you want.
MacGruber is 90 minutes of put-down comedy--the lead character himself being the brunt of most of that. It is relieving to know that beneath the silly humor of incompetence, ass celery stunts, and outrageous characterizations is the fact that society is full of talked-up stupids who should never have made it as far as they did. MacGruber being the prime example, he is the spirit of socially maladjusted mental-cases, of simplistic patriots and department store-working junkies with drops of ineptness practically rolling off their long, thick heads of hair.
MacGruber, as a film, is like any friend of a friend: some will love him and others will hate him. Some will find him offensive, tastelessly nasty, and/or just plain stupid. Others still will just dismiss him as simply insane, putting him in that rather broad category known as "not for everyone." But to others, he is, of all things, undeniably funny, a jaw-dropping companion to spend time with while winding down. Won't you join me?
(JH)
---
Grade: A- (4 stars) Recommended!
Rated: R (for strong and crude sexual content, violence, language, and some nudity)
Director: Jorma Taccone
Summary: Ex-special operative MacGruber is called back into action to take down his archenemy, Dieter Von Cunth, who is in possession of a nuclear warhead.
Starring: Will Forte "MacGruber," Kristen Wiig "Vicki St. Elmo," Ryan Phillippe "Lt. Dixon Piper," Val Kilmer "Dieter Von Cunth," Powers Boothe "Col. James Faith," Maya Rudolph "Casey," Chris Jericho "Frank Korver," Mark Henry "Tut Beemer"
Genre: Action / Comedy
Trailer
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Not a Loser
Movie Review: The Losers (2010)
Spoilers: none
---
The Losers is about five accomplished secret military operatives who go undercover to take down a druglord when there mission is hijacked by a mysterious CIA figurehead known as "Max." Double-crossed and declared dead, these five brave men are left to pick up the pieces of their broken lives, struggling to regain some semblance of happiness.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan (who kept reminding me a little too much of comedian Richard Lewis throughout) plays "Clay," the alpha dog in charge of four top mercenaries, each with their respective responsibilities and talents. Audiences will dig "Jensen" (Chris Evans), "Roque" (Idris Elba), "Pooch" (Columbus Short), and "Cougar" (Óscar Jaenada) as much as "Max" (Jason Patric), one of the most memorably funny film villains in quite some time.
Director Sylvain White brings a comic book-style story with expressive tunes filtered in and an undeniably heavy layer of cross-culture vibe. The lighting may take some getting used to, but this is one incredibly well-constructed flick that exponentially builds interest the longer you watch. The superbly incorporated story elements are not one lick behind the sturdy script that stands ready to impress.
Experience South America, drugs, drug dealers, covert operatives, and a lucky dashboard-mounted chihuahua in Jack Bauer-style special ops action. It's the A-Team made over in a stylish shoot 'em up, lubricated with loose-but-dry humor, tons of action sequences, and a story that makes you hunger for more. Who needs the slick genius of Hannibal or the nutty charm of Murdock when you've got this sprightly crew?
(JH)
---
Grade: A- (4 stars) Recommended!
Rated: PG-13 (for sexual suggestiveness, language, and violence)
Director: Sylvain White
Summary: After being betrayed and left for dead, members of a CIA black ops team root out those who targeted them for assassination.
Starring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan "Clay," Zoe Saldana "Aisha," Chris Evans "Jensen," Idris Elba "Roque," Columbus Short "Pooch," Óscar Jaenada "Cougar," Jason Patric "Max," Holt McCallany "Wade"
Genre: Action / Adventure / Crime / Mystery / Thriller
Trailer
Spoilers: none
---
The Losers is about five accomplished secret military operatives who go undercover to take down a druglord when there mission is hijacked by a mysterious CIA figurehead known as "Max." Double-crossed and declared dead, these five brave men are left to pick up the pieces of their broken lives, struggling to regain some semblance of happiness.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan (who kept reminding me a little too much of comedian Richard Lewis throughout) plays "Clay," the alpha dog in charge of four top mercenaries, each with their respective responsibilities and talents. Audiences will dig "Jensen" (Chris Evans), "Roque" (Idris Elba), "Pooch" (Columbus Short), and "Cougar" (Óscar Jaenada) as much as "Max" (Jason Patric), one of the most memorably funny film villains in quite some time.
Director Sylvain White brings a comic book-style story with expressive tunes filtered in and an undeniably heavy layer of cross-culture vibe. The lighting may take some getting used to, but this is one incredibly well-constructed flick that exponentially builds interest the longer you watch. The superbly incorporated story elements are not one lick behind the sturdy script that stands ready to impress.
Experience South America, drugs, drug dealers, covert operatives, and a lucky dashboard-mounted chihuahua in Jack Bauer-style special ops action. It's the A-Team made over in a stylish shoot 'em up, lubricated with loose-but-dry humor, tons of action sequences, and a story that makes you hunger for more. Who needs the slick genius of Hannibal or the nutty charm of Murdock when you've got this sprightly crew?
(JH)
---
Grade: A- (4 stars) Recommended!
Rated: PG-13 (for sexual suggestiveness, language, and violence)
Director: Sylvain White
Summary: After being betrayed and left for dead, members of a CIA black ops team root out those who targeted them for assassination.
Starring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan "Clay," Zoe Saldana "Aisha," Chris Evans "Jensen," Idris Elba "Roque," Columbus Short "Pooch," Óscar Jaenada "Cougar," Jason Patric "Max," Holt McCallany "Wade"
Genre: Action / Adventure / Crime / Mystery / Thriller
Trailer
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Vengeance in the Form of Brazen Stupidity
Movie Title: Furry Vengeance (2010)
Spoilers: one partial spoiler in the third to last paragraph
---
Brendan Fraser plays Dan Sanders, a career-minded building contractor who moves his family to Rocky Springs, a wilderness community, for the purpose of tearing down the forests to build a community and shopping center. His boss, Neil Lyman, is played by Ken Jeong (“King Argotron” from Role Models, 2008, and the unexpectedly funny “Therapist #2” from Couples Retreat, 2009). Lyman is the deep-pocketed, wayward businessman and the driving force behind the effort.
When Dan begins to build, he finds the animals are out to get him. These animals are amazingly smart, smarter than the business execs that take their throwing cigars out the window and hatred of the environment way too seriously (they actually announce their anti-green-ism followed by cackling laughter).
No one should be surprised to see Brendan Fraser in this audience-torturing failure. Fraser is to cheesy comedy as New York is to rude people. Dan's wife, Tammy Sanders, is played by Brooke Shields, and she is the closest thing to a non-cringeworthy presence in this film with its less than a handful of decent slapstick moments.
This terrible insult to all audience members - young and old - is loud, obnoxious, and stupidly predictable on a level that is, quite honestly, hard for intelligent people to fathom. The vengeful, growling raccoons, the badgers and grizzlies with sixth senses is surpassed in stomach-turning imbecility by a senile science teacher and an instructor who speaks turkey. Dan's nerdically greedy Japanese boss manages to be stupid and an insult to Asians at one and the same time.
Don't bother to ask where the animals get perfectly rounded stones and boulders to use for their Goonie-ish traps, or since when do humans argue with raccoons on a stretch of highway in the mountains. The humor is supposed to be in how Dan keeps getting beaten up and sabotaged by these furry little animals over and over again while nobody believes him until the last few minutes of the film.
It's 55 minutes in before you learn that the animals are out, not merely to get even for wrongs against the environment, but for revenge. So the whole thing is not so much about “going green” as it is about animal payback from beasts who never kill, but only make human builders miserable in the wackiest of ways.
A part of me wants to believe that the writers had to know how bad this was and the pain it would inflict on viewing audiences, but I know better. Some will really like this, though that is hard to believe when thought about.
Here is one of the most pathetic attempts at promoting the environmentalist agenda yet, but it's not a total waste of tape. It may be beneath the acumen of most five-year-olds, but at least the mentally deficient get to see close-ups of cute animals. That’s one use. And for those in power, this is a potential tool to be used to extract information from detainees at GITMO. I say, go for it!
(JH)
---
Grade: F (0 Stars)
Rated: PG (for smoking and some crude humor)
Director: Roger Kumble
Summary: In the Oregon wilderness, a real estate developer's new housing subdivision faces a unique group of protesters, local woodland creatures who don't want their home destroyed.
Starring: Brendan Fraser "Dan Sanders," Ricky Garcia "Frank," Ken Jeong "Neal Lyman," Eugene Cordero "Cheese," Patrice O'Neal "Gus," Jim Norton "Hank," Brooke Shields "Tammy Sanders," Matt Prokop "Tyler Sanders"
Genre: Comedy / Family
Trailer
Spoilers: one partial spoiler in the third to last paragraph
---
Brendan Fraser plays Dan Sanders, a career-minded building contractor who moves his family to Rocky Springs, a wilderness community, for the purpose of tearing down the forests to build a community and shopping center. His boss, Neil Lyman, is played by Ken Jeong (“King Argotron” from Role Models, 2008, and the unexpectedly funny “Therapist #2” from Couples Retreat, 2009). Lyman is the deep-pocketed, wayward businessman and the driving force behind the effort.
When Dan begins to build, he finds the animals are out to get him. These animals are amazingly smart, smarter than the business execs that take their throwing cigars out the window and hatred of the environment way too seriously (they actually announce their anti-green-ism followed by cackling laughter).
No one should be surprised to see Brendan Fraser in this audience-torturing failure. Fraser is to cheesy comedy as New York is to rude people. Dan's wife, Tammy Sanders, is played by Brooke Shields, and she is the closest thing to a non-cringeworthy presence in this film with its less than a handful of decent slapstick moments.
This terrible insult to all audience members - young and old - is loud, obnoxious, and stupidly predictable on a level that is, quite honestly, hard for intelligent people to fathom. The vengeful, growling raccoons, the badgers and grizzlies with sixth senses is surpassed in stomach-turning imbecility by a senile science teacher and an instructor who speaks turkey. Dan's nerdically greedy Japanese boss manages to be stupid and an insult to Asians at one and the same time.
Don't bother to ask where the animals get perfectly rounded stones and boulders to use for their Goonie-ish traps, or since when do humans argue with raccoons on a stretch of highway in the mountains. The humor is supposed to be in how Dan keeps getting beaten up and sabotaged by these furry little animals over and over again while nobody believes him until the last few minutes of the film.
It's 55 minutes in before you learn that the animals are out, not merely to get even for wrongs against the environment, but for revenge. So the whole thing is not so much about “going green” as it is about animal payback from beasts who never kill, but only make human builders miserable in the wackiest of ways.
A part of me wants to believe that the writers had to know how bad this was and the pain it would inflict on viewing audiences, but I know better. Some will really like this, though that is hard to believe when thought about.
Here is one of the most pathetic attempts at promoting the environmentalist agenda yet, but it's not a total waste of tape. It may be beneath the acumen of most five-year-olds, but at least the mentally deficient get to see close-ups of cute animals. That’s one use. And for those in power, this is a potential tool to be used to extract information from detainees at GITMO. I say, go for it!
(JH)
---
Grade: F (0 Stars)
Rated: PG (for smoking and some crude humor)
Director: Roger Kumble
Summary: In the Oregon wilderness, a real estate developer's new housing subdivision faces a unique group of protesters, local woodland creatures who don't want their home destroyed.
Starring: Brendan Fraser "Dan Sanders," Ricky Garcia "Frank," Ken Jeong "Neal Lyman," Eugene Cordero "Cheese," Patrice O'Neal "Gus," Jim Norton "Hank," Brooke Shields "Tammy Sanders," Matt Prokop "Tyler Sanders"
Genre: Comedy / Family
Trailer
Robbing the Viewers to Entertain No One
Movie Title: Robin Hood (2010)
Spoilers: none
---
I'm watching an impressive Russell Crowe in Robin Hood and I'm seeing stones thrown over the top of castle walls. I'm hearing shouting in battle, seeing arrows fly, anointed in fire oil and shot off to reach their targets under mostly cloudy skies. I'm seeing a well-poised Crowe in convincing garb and a semi-Gladiatorial role that suits him. Less awesomely, I'm seeing mysterious men in masks, running townspeople, and the hasty introduction of characters we are supposed to come to know (I'm just wondering when).
Hurried sessions of dialogue are spoken in hushed tones. Crowe's odd Irish accent amidst English ones stands out. It doesn't take long to occur to me that I'm not sure what exactly I'm watching. It's supposed to be Robin Hood.
Crowe's Robin Hood is never shown strategizing or planning, or looking for unfound confidence, and yet he leads troops triumphantly into battle with the charisma of a runner-up to Alexander the Great. He is an open book. He says what he needs to say, but never rambles or elaborates in a surplus. His ability to win over large crowds with his rhetoric is impressive, but without the sub-story of his childhood trauma that involved his father, we wouldn't get to see any other than a romantic side to him.
In this Robin Hood, it's that way with everyone—we don't get to learn about or get close to anyone in particular. The only exceptions are Maid Marion (Cate Blanchett), Prince John (Oscar Isaac), Prince John's wise-but-repudiated mother, Eleanor of Aquitaine (Aileen Atkins), and a diplomatically seasoned William Marshall (William Hurt).
This is an uninspiring letdown of a Robin Hood. With a big story but little heart, it offers a steady stream of dignified background music that doesn't ride with this long and cyclically boring 131 minutes of battles and cut-short character development. There are some big and bloody fights, but those are flip-side to men celebrating and old men talking, to love brewing, and more old men talking, followed by more battles and local conflicts.
Crowe is a determined charmer and a purposely gaunt-looking Blanchett offers up a cage-rattling performance, with resplendent chemistry emanating between the two. The nonsensically small and unrecognizable role of Little John (Kevin Durand) is one in a string of disappoints. Mark Addy as Friar Tuck is a cooked-up character that you never come to fully understand, much less like. Frankly, there's not much to like here, and it pains me to say that of what has proved to be such a beloved legend.
Ridley Scott, the man who brought us Gladiator now brings us Robin Hood - a film that falls way short of his earlier work, but goes so far as wanting to be reminiscent of 300 - with flying arrows and artistically woven shots of mortal wounds and fatalities. What could have made average combat scenes or the cooler of kill blows are knocked down a notch due to below par camera work that is as upsetting as Eastwood's sloppily crafted Invictus (2009).
The film's great length and unsteadily slow pacing make it somewhat of an ordeal to watch, even for one who takes interest in the old English Folklore. Tales of Robin Hood always have him robbing the rich to feed the poor, but this bore only robs the viewers of entertainment.
(JH)
---
Grade: D+ (1 ½ stars)
Rated: PG-13
Director: Ridley Scott
Summary: The story of an archer in the army of Richard Coeur de Lion who fights against the Norman invaders and becomes the legendary hero known as Robin Hood.
Starring: Russell Crowe "Robin Longstride," Cate Blanchett "Marion Loxley," Kevin Durand "Little John," Max von Sydow "Sir Walter Loxley," William Hurt "William Marshal," Mark Strong "Godfrey," Oscar Isaac "Prince John," Danny Huston "King Richard The Lionheart," Eileen Atkins "Eleanor of Aquitaine," Mark Addy "Friar Tuck," Matthew Macfadyen "Sheriff of Nottingham"
Genre: Action / Drama
Trailer
Spoilers: none
---
I'm watching an impressive Russell Crowe in Robin Hood and I'm seeing stones thrown over the top of castle walls. I'm hearing shouting in battle, seeing arrows fly, anointed in fire oil and shot off to reach their targets under mostly cloudy skies. I'm seeing a well-poised Crowe in convincing garb and a semi-Gladiatorial role that suits him. Less awesomely, I'm seeing mysterious men in masks, running townspeople, and the hasty introduction of characters we are supposed to come to know (I'm just wondering when).
Hurried sessions of dialogue are spoken in hushed tones. Crowe's odd Irish accent amidst English ones stands out. It doesn't take long to occur to me that I'm not sure what exactly I'm watching. It's supposed to be Robin Hood.
Crowe's Robin Hood is never shown strategizing or planning, or looking for unfound confidence, and yet he leads troops triumphantly into battle with the charisma of a runner-up to Alexander the Great. He is an open book. He says what he needs to say, but never rambles or elaborates in a surplus. His ability to win over large crowds with his rhetoric is impressive, but without the sub-story of his childhood trauma that involved his father, we wouldn't get to see any other than a romantic side to him.
In this Robin Hood, it's that way with everyone—we don't get to learn about or get close to anyone in particular. The only exceptions are Maid Marion (Cate Blanchett), Prince John (Oscar Isaac), Prince John's wise-but-repudiated mother, Eleanor of Aquitaine (Aileen Atkins), and a diplomatically seasoned William Marshall (William Hurt).
This is an uninspiring letdown of a Robin Hood. With a big story but little heart, it offers a steady stream of dignified background music that doesn't ride with this long and cyclically boring 131 minutes of battles and cut-short character development. There are some big and bloody fights, but those are flip-side to men celebrating and old men talking, to love brewing, and more old men talking, followed by more battles and local conflicts.
Crowe is a determined charmer and a purposely gaunt-looking Blanchett offers up a cage-rattling performance, with resplendent chemistry emanating between the two. The nonsensically small and unrecognizable role of Little John (Kevin Durand) is one in a string of disappoints. Mark Addy as Friar Tuck is a cooked-up character that you never come to fully understand, much less like. Frankly, there's not much to like here, and it pains me to say that of what has proved to be such a beloved legend.
Ridley Scott, the man who brought us Gladiator now brings us Robin Hood - a film that falls way short of his earlier work, but goes so far as wanting to be reminiscent of 300 - with flying arrows and artistically woven shots of mortal wounds and fatalities. What could have made average combat scenes or the cooler of kill blows are knocked down a notch due to below par camera work that is as upsetting as Eastwood's sloppily crafted Invictus (2009).
The film's great length and unsteadily slow pacing make it somewhat of an ordeal to watch, even for one who takes interest in the old English Folklore. Tales of Robin Hood always have him robbing the rich to feed the poor, but this bore only robs the viewers of entertainment.
(JH)
---
Grade: D+ (1 ½ stars)
Rated: PG-13
Director: Ridley Scott
Summary: The story of an archer in the army of Richard Coeur de Lion who fights against the Norman invaders and becomes the legendary hero known as Robin Hood.
Starring: Russell Crowe "Robin Longstride," Cate Blanchett "Marion Loxley," Kevin Durand "Little John," Max von Sydow "Sir Walter Loxley," William Hurt "William Marshal," Mark Strong "Godfrey," Oscar Isaac "Prince John," Danny Huston "King Richard The Lionheart," Eileen Atkins "Eleanor of Aquitaine," Mark Addy "Friar Tuck," Matthew Macfadyen "Sheriff of Nottingham"
Genre: Action / Drama
Trailer
Saturday, May 15, 2010
A Sick Sadist's Story
Spoilers: none
Every writer or aspiring writer at some point finds herself writing a piece merely to showcase one particular aspect of a work. It may just be a character the writer thinks is cool, a super power, a scenario, a moral message, or a cause that is suppose to have us stop and think. In most such cases, the love is not the finished work, just one piece of it. The work itself is an excuse to showcase one small part of what is probably an inferior whole product.
Gaining steam and causing incredible controversy in 2010 is The Human Centipede (First Sequence), a 2009 independent film birthed from precisely the above motive. It exists only to tell the story of a sadistic ex-doctor, whose fantasy - whose stop-at-nothing obsession - is to make human beings into a “three-human human,” connected from anus to mouth, crippled, and made to walk and live like a centipede. He started with his three-made-into-one dog. Now he moves up to humans.
The gorehounds are not a new breed. We've had generations of blood being splattered upon walls and furniture while those who can't get enough on-screen bloodshed are eating pizza and drinking Big Red. Entire series' of terrified teens being hacked to death by men with hook hands has totally lost its effect. It's just not new anymore. No one bats an eye when they see them, which is why we keep seeing more of these droppings of drek, in hopes of their becoming a sensation.
What is Director Tom Six saying with his Human Centipede project? Nothing, nothing except that he wants you to sit and watch every belabored and long scene as two clueless girls and two average men scream and cry, protesting their captivity and demanding to be released, only to be dumbfounded by their perpetual helplessness. This is a gross sadist's tale that knows no shame. But you've got to commend its shameless audacity and single-mindedness of purpose, however narrow.
The premise of the film is brilliant, or brilliantly simple is more like it. It possesses the creativity of a childlike “mad scientist” villain who fixates to a fault on his dark, wicked wiles and shifts big levers on the wall. Dieter Laser is "Dr. Heiter," a first-rate surgeon and menacing villain who will make your skin crawl in less than 5 seconds of seeing him. He says in so many words: "I don't like human beings." Would that every mad scientist was so overtly outspoken. But what can I say except: I really, really like this guy!
About one-third of the screenshots are too long, but they are not a setback like the overacting on the parts of some that would trump Captain Kirk's most emphatic line. In those long shots is time—time taken to bring out the details of the suffering. It is horrifying to think of an IV needle yanked out of an arm, and it is horrifying to see the water getting red with a woman's blood as she waits and swims, trying to stay out of harm's way. It is horrifying to look up and see a madman through the ripples of the water, wondering where he goes when he leaves and what he will do next. It is the waiting that builds suspense while what you are made to imagine is worse than what is actually seen. And what is seen will stay with you long after the film ends—trust me on that one!
It's too much for most of us to even think about...a line of three people connected at the anus and mouth. The one at the front says: “I have to shit. I'm sorry. Forgive me.” This is butt-bare, sensational shock value at its most grotesque and worst. Word has it that even the test audiences couldn't cope. It's hard to think about the top-up female nudity or the aggrandized gore when faced with something like this. I'm betting you already know whether or not you are going to see this film.
Filmed in the Netherlands, a lot of the dialogue is in German, with the English translation printed at the bottom of the screen. This was 91 minutes of the most repulsive and yet compelling viewing I have ever seen. Writer and director Tom Six tells a story of sadism, the likes of which, quite frankly, have not been witnessed until now. And Six is already working on a part two, The Human Centipede (Full Sequence). We will never really know if this sick, sadist's story is a description of the Dr. Heiter character's fantasies, or that of the writer and creator of the character. One thing I am certain of: it took an unusual mind and motivation to put this together.
(JH)
Grade: A- (4 stars) Recommended!
Rated: No MPAA rating
Director: Tom Six
Summary: Two lost girls in Europe unknowingly arrive at the house of an ex-surgeon psychopath.
Starring: Dieter Laser "Dr.Heiter," Ashley C. Williams "Lindsay," Ashlynn Yennie "Jenny," Akihiro Kitamura "Katsuro," Andreas Leupold "Detective Kranz," Peter Blankenstein "Detective Voller"
Genre: Drama / Horror
Trailer
Thursday, May 06, 2010
No Iron Deficiencies Found
Movie Title: Iron Man 2 (2010)
Spoilers: none
---
2008's Iron Man was to some an enigma, a movie that did better at the box office than some would say it should have. And the film's well deserved success didn't have much to do with the fact that every character played a vital role that was succinctly and pleasingly identifiable as protagonist or antagonist, nor with the fact that the movie was never, ever boring or self-absorbed. Why then did the first Iron Man prove to be such a sensation?
We have essentially three reasons: a. The man behind the (literal) mask - Tony Stark - made sense as a man of principle, as well as compassion. Tony Stark was not only brilliant, but also thoughtful, a Robin Hood of sorts. b. He had (has) resources, which is an inspiration to all humans because that is something attainable by way of power, as opposed to Superman or Silver Surfer who both possess cosmic powers. And those points lead to reason c. the comics are then made believable in that they feel less like comics and more like a reality where a bold figure puts his money in the right place and makes the right changes. Iron Man is much like Batman. His toys are just different.
Iron Man 2 takes us back to within a few months of the conclusion of the first film. Anton Vanko, a dejected Russian physicist who once worked with Tony Stark's father, is sinking into the abyss of death. Feeling wronged by the Stark family, the fires of revenge have been fueled. Another will carry the torch. Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) - his son and himself a physicist, "Whiplash" - is ready to carry on as a technologically competent and hungry extractor of revenge (you knew this was going to involve revenge sooner or later).
Meanwhile, Iron Man has cleaned up the world stage. He has taken off in popularity like he has in his flying suit. There is relative peace, all because of Iron Man, who is even more of a proud, charismatically endowed peacock than he sported himself as in part one. But all is not well due to his damaged arc reactor, which leads to Palladium poisoning that is slowly killing him.
There appears to be no competition in the world for Iron Man. Stark's technology is leading—so much so that by it we see the introduction of the next tier of the multi-tiered plot: the government wants Stark to hand over his suit and its technology. Senator Stern (Gary Shandling) is the leading voice behind the move to take the Iron Man suit by force in the interests of national security. Stark's personal assurances that his work will remain top-notch and used only in the best interests of the country will not be enough.
The doubters are right to have their doubts. Stark soon finds himself up against Vanko, the at-first-under-funded-but-still-powerful enemy with a philosophically charged and predator-appealing point of view: “If you could make God bleed, the world would cease to believe in him.” That will be considered one of the cooler villain lines in movies in years to come. How will Iron Man's popularity fare if a genius physicist newcomer steps up to the plate and makes him "bleed" helplessly before an on-looking world of former admirers?
As with Iron Man I, film time is without slack and well utilized. There are no long or airy pauses for dramatic effect between expressions or lines, no stagnant scenes that need to be cut. The expected drop-offs for comic relief come at exactly the right times.
Lt. Colonel James Rhodes (Don Cheadle) has now a more significant role than just Stark's close friend and representative of the military. He is in on the action, but finds himself torn between his allegiance to the U.S government and his friendship with Stark. Samuel L. Jackson is Nick Fury of the Avengers, who has but a small part allotted to him. His was, however, a smart write-in. The role is significant and hints at more sequels and gives other comic movies ways to unite in direction with this one. And it's always nice to see Samuel L. Jackson's involvement in a movie that does not suck.
Iron Man II stands behind Iron Man I in terms of quality for one reason only: there is no sufficient resolution to the biggest conflict component of the story. What is stopping the government from stripping Iron Man of his power? A city succumbing to explosions because of fighting, out-of-control droids and enhancement suits equipped with secret technology is a symptom of the problem of not keeping power in check. Being the hero who stops disaster will not be a long-term solution. Disasters of this kind would only expedite Uncle Sam's measures to get the potentially deadly technology out of private hands. Competition must always be presumed a threat in the struggle for national survival.
The character of Vanko was sufficiently (but not memorably) written. We never get to see the character's full potential. If the same "heart-and-soul" had been put into his construction as some of the other characters, all would have benefited. The fascinating progress of the story that scoots by 112 minutes like nothing makes up for most of that, more so at the beginning than at the ending. Part II may not be quite as slick as its predecessor, but I am not one to split hairs.
(JH)
---
Grade: A- (4 stars) Recommended!
Rated: PG-13 (for sequences of intense sci-fi action and violence, and some language)
Director: Jon Favreau
Summary: Billionaire Tony Stark must contend with deadly issues involving the government, his own friends, as well as new enemies due to his superhero alter ego Iron Man.
Starring: Robert Downey Jr. "Tony Stark," Don Cheadle "Lt. Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes," Scarlett Johansson "Natalie Rushman / Natasha Romanoff," Gwyneth Paltrow "Pepper Potts," Sam Rockwell "Justin Hammer," Mickey Rourke "Ivan Vanko," Samuel L. Jackson "Nick Fury"
Genre: Action / Adventure / Sci-Fi / Thriller
Trailer
Spoilers: none
---
2008's Iron Man was to some an enigma, a movie that did better at the box office than some would say it should have. And the film's well deserved success didn't have much to do with the fact that every character played a vital role that was succinctly and pleasingly identifiable as protagonist or antagonist, nor with the fact that the movie was never, ever boring or self-absorbed. Why then did the first Iron Man prove to be such a sensation?
We have essentially three reasons: a. The man behind the (literal) mask - Tony Stark - made sense as a man of principle, as well as compassion. Tony Stark was not only brilliant, but also thoughtful, a Robin Hood of sorts. b. He had (has) resources, which is an inspiration to all humans because that is something attainable by way of power, as opposed to Superman or Silver Surfer who both possess cosmic powers. And those points lead to reason c. the comics are then made believable in that they feel less like comics and more like a reality where a bold figure puts his money in the right place and makes the right changes. Iron Man is much like Batman. His toys are just different.
Iron Man 2 takes us back to within a few months of the conclusion of the first film. Anton Vanko, a dejected Russian physicist who once worked with Tony Stark's father, is sinking into the abyss of death. Feeling wronged by the Stark family, the fires of revenge have been fueled. Another will carry the torch. Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) - his son and himself a physicist, "Whiplash" - is ready to carry on as a technologically competent and hungry extractor of revenge (you knew this was going to involve revenge sooner or later).
Meanwhile, Iron Man has cleaned up the world stage. He has taken off in popularity like he has in his flying suit. There is relative peace, all because of Iron Man, who is even more of a proud, charismatically endowed peacock than he sported himself as in part one. But all is not well due to his damaged arc reactor, which leads to Palladium poisoning that is slowly killing him.
There appears to be no competition in the world for Iron Man. Stark's technology is leading—so much so that by it we see the introduction of the next tier of the multi-tiered plot: the government wants Stark to hand over his suit and its technology. Senator Stern (Gary Shandling) is the leading voice behind the move to take the Iron Man suit by force in the interests of national security. Stark's personal assurances that his work will remain top-notch and used only in the best interests of the country will not be enough.
The doubters are right to have their doubts. Stark soon finds himself up against Vanko, the at-first-under-funded-but-still-powerful enemy with a philosophically charged and predator-appealing point of view: “If you could make God bleed, the world would cease to believe in him.” That will be considered one of the cooler villain lines in movies in years to come. How will Iron Man's popularity fare if a genius physicist newcomer steps up to the plate and makes him "bleed" helplessly before an on-looking world of former admirers?
As with Iron Man I, film time is without slack and well utilized. There are no long or airy pauses for dramatic effect between expressions or lines, no stagnant scenes that need to be cut. The expected drop-offs for comic relief come at exactly the right times.
Lt. Colonel James Rhodes (Don Cheadle) has now a more significant role than just Stark's close friend and representative of the military. He is in on the action, but finds himself torn between his allegiance to the U.S government and his friendship with Stark. Samuel L. Jackson is Nick Fury of the Avengers, who has but a small part allotted to him. His was, however, a smart write-in. The role is significant and hints at more sequels and gives other comic movies ways to unite in direction with this one. And it's always nice to see Samuel L. Jackson's involvement in a movie that does not suck.
Iron Man II stands behind Iron Man I in terms of quality for one reason only: there is no sufficient resolution to the biggest conflict component of the story. What is stopping the government from stripping Iron Man of his power? A city succumbing to explosions because of fighting, out-of-control droids and enhancement suits equipped with secret technology is a symptom of the problem of not keeping power in check. Being the hero who stops disaster will not be a long-term solution. Disasters of this kind would only expedite Uncle Sam's measures to get the potentially deadly technology out of private hands. Competition must always be presumed a threat in the struggle for national survival.
The character of Vanko was sufficiently (but not memorably) written. We never get to see the character's full potential. If the same "heart-and-soul" had been put into his construction as some of the other characters, all would have benefited. The fascinating progress of the story that scoots by 112 minutes like nothing makes up for most of that, more so at the beginning than at the ending. Part II may not be quite as slick as its predecessor, but I am not one to split hairs.
(JH)
---
Grade: A- (4 stars) Recommended!
Rated: PG-13 (for sequences of intense sci-fi action and violence, and some language)
Director: Jon Favreau
Summary: Billionaire Tony Stark must contend with deadly issues involving the government, his own friends, as well as new enemies due to his superhero alter ego Iron Man.
Starring: Robert Downey Jr. "Tony Stark," Don Cheadle "Lt. Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes," Scarlett Johansson "Natalie Rushman / Natasha Romanoff," Gwyneth Paltrow "Pepper Potts," Sam Rockwell "Justin Hammer," Mickey Rourke "Ivan Vanko," Samuel L. Jackson "Nick Fury"
Genre: Action / Adventure / Sci-Fi / Thriller
Trailer
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