The Spooky Truth About Spunk: The Low-down on Working in a Porn Store (Part II of III)

In the first article, we began discussing the classes of normal frequenters to a porn store. We talked about the good time couples, the medical shoppers, the party shoppers, and the ambitious lovers. But it’s not the normal customers that make us nervous. It’s the not-so-normal crowd that gives cause for concern. We continue with a description of these disturbing classes, unflatteringly penciled into that group known as “Hardcore Customers”…

II. Hardcore Customers:

Take, for instance, the homeless magazine buyer. He rides in on a bike or walks with bags and whatever he has to his name inside them. He might even be carrying stuff in a shopping cart. He usually has a “street smell” and may or may not talk a lot. But this class of surprisingly frequent return customer is usually nice as they purchase their stack of between a half-a-dozen or more porn magazines. The only exceptionally disturbing thing is when, on the way in or out, he picks up used cigarette butts or joints and tries to squeeze out one more puff before beginning that long journey home to where he lives, which is out behind the dumpster of a Bill Miller BBQ restaurant a mile away.

Some world we live in where he who has nothing will take what almost non-existently little he does have and spring for eye-candy to help him jerk off under a bridge overpass. It’d settle for some soap and just a mosquito net.

Then there is the sex-addicted family man. This is one of the most pitiable cases to be seen. Mr. Sex-addict family man is usually good-looking and well dressed. He almost positively has a super job and a dynamite-looking wife at home. How do I know? Because this type of pervo-phile brings her to the porn store with him often, evidently to spice things up and make him feel like his frequenting the store as often as he does has her blessing. Then he takes her home, comes back, and continues looking around for his down-low passion of watching uncircumcised transsexual prostitutes ejaculate in each other’s hair.

This type of addict will return much less composed than when he was with his wife several hours earlier. He’ll sometimes be in a cold sweat, breathing hard, loosening his tie, and he’ll spend at least several hours looking for movies to watch in one of the rented rooms. He’ll rent a room and watch until he literally runs out of money. He seldom brings enough money because his sex addiction doesn’t let him think clearly enough to think ahead for what he’ll need. When he’s out of money, he’ll come out and literally beg to use his room deposit to continue watching. When he is told “no,” he leaves with expressed dissatisfaction on his face.

This type is one of the worst because he is seen to spend so much of his time there. You want to bitch-slap him on the cheeks and say: “Go home to your wife, you fucking perverted fuck-nut!”

Next is the old crippled pervert. This particular pervo is about as bothersome as the last, but more amazing. I have witnessed a 5’4, bearded little man, severely palsied, walk with a walker with the bright green “cut-up golf balls” feet on the ends of them, and nearly fall over more times than I could count. This didn’t stop him from proceeding to stay my whole 8-hour shift, doing nothing but looking for porn! Yes, that old codger who could barely stand spent my entire shift methodically scanning every single shelf – one DVD and Blu-ray behind the other – to find what he wanted.

The balding, matted haired, very disabled types tend to be surprisingly determined shoppers, surpassed in disgustingness only by the next class of pervert, the basement-dweller.

The basement dweller is one among a few ways that porn store customers bring movie clich├ęd perverts to life. They are usually single and socially impaired in some small or big way. They often live with their mothers and are in between the age bracket of mid-30s through early-50s, and they don’t have much privacy at home. They look “nerdical” and out-of-shape because it’s obvious they only care about living for themselves and never to please anyone else. They never put their “best foot” forward and always put…well…something else forward and let "it" do their thinking for them.

They are smart and might even drive a nice car and usually show signs of having a nice job. They tend to have a Mac computer and are so socially awkward that they can be confrontational when they don’t get what they want, and of course, they can’t be anywhere close to normal around any lady. Yes, they almost always dig the ladies. They just can’t land a real one.

I once found myself holding back laughter when a female employee bent over in one such person’s presence to get something out from behind a counter. There is one of these creeps watching her every move. Seeing her bend down, this vile piece of human waste lets out his own shaky (and very verbal) sigh: “ah,hhh,hhh,hhh,hh!” And he didn’t even realize he did it.

After giving a few females (sometimes employees and sometimes customers) unwanted compliments that gradually become more and more creepy, with that already unsettling stare and manifestly lacking level of self-confidence, he might end up being asked to leave. Always a little too talkative for his own good around females, his only romantic destiny is to watch porn. He’s in the right place.

(JH)

1 comment:

  1. Merry Christmas Joe. I'll try to catch up later.

    feeno

    ReplyDelete

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