The Spooky Truth About Spunk: The Low-down on Working in a Porn Store (Part I of III)

About being able to work in a porn store, someone close to me said: “You have to be off in some small way to even be able to apply for employment.” I can’t say I disagree with him. Maybe I’m off in some way because I once worked at one. The experience was, to say the least, unforgettable. 

You almost have to be there, but I can describe the atmosphere for you. Much to the displeasure of the atheist/agnostic/libertarian “less rules” crowd, there is that unfortunate tendency of announcing sexual freedom and looseness of regulations that works against the overall happiness of mankind. That tendency is seen when the most deeply disturbing of behaviors, which rests within the dark, sticky reservoirs of a pervert’s mind come right to the surface for all to be repulsed by.

We’re so good at putting up walls and showing others only glimpses of what we like and how we feel. We aren’t disgusted by our own fetishes no matter how out-of-bounds others might find them to be, but with most of us, something tells us not to sport them in front of others who may not share them. The problem in porn stores is that those passions are on display, and more than that, even encouraged.

You can spot the different types of customers from the cash register. You can’t help but see a potential customer, an average customer, and a customer/creep (very often a criminal as well). But as we break them down, that's when we become all the more disgusted...

I. Softcore Customers: 

First, you have the “good time” couple. They may be young or old, but they are very much in love and non-seriously shopping. It’s the younger couples that tend to be heard giggling at the pecker cake pans and clitoris shot-glasses. They stop in after topping off a romantic night with an Italian dinner, and now they seek some carnal excitement. They seldom buy anything. They just look and laugh and ask on the way out: “You must really love working here, right?” “Not really,” I would tell them. “It’s work and the people aren’t that great.” And that response was a little optimistic.

Then you have the medical shoppers. You’d be surprised at how many people still don’t order stuff off the internet for fear that their credit card numbers will be hacked. So when a 54-year-old woman is told by her doctor to try stimulus tools (aka, “dildos”) to help with vaginal dryness, on goes the sunglasses, a hat, and a wig, and in she comes to get one at the porn store. Same with the late-40s-male who has been told that direct prostate stimulation will help to reduce swelling.

The medical shopper illustrates for us how the classes of customers overlap. Both examples mentioned above are also from that informal “embarrassed shopper” class, which can consist of anyone or any couple who comes in and hastily tries to find what they want (if they want to buy anything at all) so they can leave. Sometimes they will approach someone working there before checking out and say: “I’m embarrassed. Is there any way I can give you my credit card and my ID and you can check me out?” “Sure,” we’d say. Then we’d tell them about how our secure billing shows up as something entirely different on the billing statement (so that no angry, cheated-on spouses can find out): “Honey, the credit card statement says you spent $160.00 at GMS Goods. What is GMS Goods?” Gotta love liberty!

Third, you have the party shoppers, which includes the Halloween costume seekers and wearers, and the so-called “novelty” and “gag gift” shoppers. Here’s a tip: If you buy something at a porn store, never say you are buying for novelty or gag gift purposes. Trust me when I say that it’s a running joke behind the counter how many embarrassed customers use that to try and sound more modest! And it never works.

The fourth and final normal class of would-be customer is the Ambitious lovers class. It’s considered normal for some to want to have sex in new places, perhaps to add a little excitement to break the bedroom boredom, and that’s exactly what an obviously horny couple wants when they come into the porn store.

Why expect to have sex AT a porn store? Because that is what has been happening for a while. Rooms are rented with great big monitors in them and recliners or couches. These pieces of furniture must be cleaned at the end of the day (no, not after each use) with a medical grade cleaning solution because of the activities that go on inside these rooms. The furniture is vinyl-covered for obvious reasons. Stupidly, some places tried normal fabric furniture for a while, and those pieces of furniture were hauled off by a garbage truck before the week was out. And yes, those roles of paper towels that sit next to you on a table…those aren’t for blowing your nose! They are for cleaning up…other…messes.

Because of legal reasons and possible criminal allegations, only one person is now allowed in each room, which brings us back to our horny, ambitious lover couple who begs and begs and offers twice the money to rent the room. They are so dissatisfied to be told no. But this type of adventurous free spirit is lightweight compared to what is to cum (pun intended).

(JH)

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