Michael Myers, The Genius

Movie Title: Halloween II (2009)
Spoilers: No

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The last time I picked up a knife to stab somebody was in the early 1980s. The knife was made of plastic and my attempt at killing was in good, clean Halloween fun while dressed up in a costume that consisted of army pants and a red bandana. The would-be victim of my pretend attack was an aunt. I remember her turning around and yelling at me: “Stop it!!!”

Pretend or not, that play knife sure did look like the one Michael Myers uses, the one he manages to keep in hand and never loses no matter his encounters. I was always a Jason fan, myself. But choosing between Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees is like choosing between a Mazda B-series truck and a Ford Ranger.

Both Jason and Myers are seemingly unstoppable and do not cease to surprise everyone in town by reappearing at the craziest of times—accompanied by their legends, of course. Both cover their faces and are well built. Both Jason and Michael have unhealthy fixations on their mothers, and both move and react very slowly, probably due to their perpetual fixation on their families and inner pains.

Well, anyway, that pretend knife and I saw some fine times together. It provided hours upon hours of non-stop action in the form of murdering innocent victims, along with zombies and lions (and whatever else decided to get in line to attack us all in the same play session). But we kids weren’t slow…not for long. Their came a time when that knife got put away. I still have it tucked in some old toy chest in mom and dad’s attic, I’ll bet you.

Unlike our own hellish hero of horror Jason Voorhees, we kids sooner or later picked up on the fact that killing anyone who gets in your way doesn’t make much sense. Payback makes sense. Revenge makes sense. Fanatical religious killing makes sense. “Snapping” and going off on everyone around you for the time even makes sense, but not walking around with a knife or machete for the nearly sole purpose of slaughtering everyone you meet en route to reuniting family.

Will someone please explain to me how a group of young kids can come to realize this and not writers, producers, and directors of horror movies? If you ask me, I have no answer. I’m asking you. And I’ll add another question. I think I have an answer to this one, and it is: Why would anyone resurrect the Halloween series for the 2000s? My answer: For the same reason they resurrected Friday the 13th, which was to draw in the kids for a quick, box office-stirring, Friday night date scare. What’s your answer?

Maybe Psycho (1960) wasn’t enough. Maybe we needed Halloween (1978) and the subsequent seven more movies in the series, not including this one. So, in my book, the bill of blade-wielding, evil-empowered madmen has been paid already. Some don’t think so, which is why we have our current crap-fest of Halloween II (2009).

First, there was Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007) and now an addition to it. This one continues right where that one left off. And nothing has changed. This is the place to see the same very apparently scripted conversations and quality of acting that would have been outdone had they had actual zombies inaudibly groaning and lulling around during shooting.

But I learned something from this Halloween. I learned that Michael Myers is a genius beyond comprehension. He has to be a genius to keep showing up at places where nobody is around who will or can call the cops. How does he know? But being that this is a horror movie we’re talking about, even if the cops were called, they wouldn’t get there in time. So, I guess nevermind. Even more spectacular is the fact that Myers knows just who to approach among those who are pointing guns at him.

I always thought Myers just walks up slowly to whoever is in his path and slashes them to a blood-squirting death. But no, he doesn’t. There is an art to it; he approaches that special class of morons who hold their guns and threaten to use them but walk forward, only to have the guns taken out of their hands. You see? Genius! It’s almost as genius as having Jason move around with trick-or-treaters for cover! How’d they think of that gem!

I’m guessing the gorehounds who continually cream their pants watching waterfalls of bloodshed are lacking in some nutrient (perhaps…iron?) But I have learned that the longings of gorehounds are like longings for sex—they will never be satisfied! Maybe the desire to see people being gutted won’t go away, but can the same be said of a guy who keeps getting lucky sneaking up on people? A tall guy who moves slowly with a long knife, hiding behind trees well enough to sneak up on towns full of alert citizens, including police officers? Will that ever get old? It should, nay, it has!

Tyler Mane is Michael Myers. His mother is again played by Sheri Moon Zombie (wife to director). Scout Taylor-Compton is Lauri Strode. Margot Kidder is Barbara Collier, Lauri’s therapist. Malcolm McDowell is Dr. Samuel Loomis. Sorry, fellas! The position for the most hated, advantageous, and ineloquent movie doctor of all time is still filled!

While Halloween II more than reaches its quota of spilt blood and guts, it pours over into pointless and preposterous territory. The poorly constructed story with its weakly employed symbolism is as soggy as a thawed out French fry fallen beneath your stove. “Been-there, done-that” called, and yes, he wants his hat back.

(JH)

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Grade: D+ (1 ½ stars)
Rated: R
Summation: Presumed to be dead, Michael Myers rises again and begins killing to reunite his family.
Director: Rob Zombie
Starring: Sheri Moon Zombie “Deborah Myers,” Chase Wright Vanek “Young Michael,” Scout Taylor-Compton “Laurie Strode,” Brad Dourif “Sheriff Lee Brackett,” Caroline Williams “Dr. Maple,” Malcolm McDowell “Dr. Samuel Loomis,” Tyler Mane “Michael Myers,” Margot Kidder “Barbara Collier”
Genre: Horror

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