The Women’s Names Quandary

Tell me something…why are the qualities of a woman so defined by her name? Why are Bertha, Stella, and Marge always hideously fat and why is an Alexis or a Marissa always blisteringly hot? I can’t figure it out, but there seems to be a connection between hot, average, and unattractive girls and their names.

An Alexis, Ally, a Brooke, a Britney, a Courtney, a Mona, a Monique, a Cammie, a Candy, a Carmen, or a Krystal are almost always thin and fine and tan, causing men everywhere who see them to get hot under the collar. I’ve never seen an exception. Berthas, Marges (with the exception of the lovely Marge Simpson), and Biancas tend to be hideous-looking and fat as fucking hell. The Opals and Nancys and Agnes’ tend to fit into this category too, along with the Nadines.

And then there are names that go either way, like a Jennifer or Kathryn or Lisa or Trisha. Gwen is usually a better-than-average-looking woman, but can go either way, the same with Carrie. Michelle is another such name, with a leaning towards average or better, as is Christy, Kristen, Melissa, and Monica, and even the old-fashioned Mabel. Alice is also an either-way name. Add Debra and Dianne to this list as well. And there is Elizabeth. There are Charlottes and Valaries who tend to be uglies, nearly on level with those repugnant, tongue-ringed "butch" lesbians that so proudly court their decently pretty partners around in public.

Now a Vicki...a Vicki can be hot, but more often than not, is only slutty, with average or less looks. This is also true of a Jessica or a Celeste. Amanda, Kara, and Kelly are in this category too, but they tend to be good-lookers more often than not. And then there is a Mary. But Marys or MaryAnns are average at best, and are either fat or have some hideous feature/features that offset a strikingly good feature, like a catcher's mit face or un-womanly body fat distribution, or possibly sopaipilla-looking arms that ruin everything.

And then there is the smell factor. Smoking hot women almost always either chew cinnamon gum or work/play around scented cinnamon candles, at home and/or at work. Better-than-average and merely average-looking women are drenched in lotions, like cocoa butter and other highly scented Gergen’s crap. Not that looks-challenged women don’t cover themselves in lotion. They do, but the hotties love to sulk in them like some fountain of youth, just as they read books in hot baths with only candle light.

Hot women pick their food apart, are more likely to send food back if it’s not made right while out dining, and they never fart. Less than average women will fart around their boyfriends, but will only sometimes pick their food apart and sometimes send food back. Hot women play with their hair more, average women do some, but the uglies do rarely.

This can’t all be a coincidence. What could be the reasons behind this? I don’t know, but this has always puzzled me.

(JH)

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