I predict that in future years finger licking will be weeded out as the un-evolved and uncivilized practice that it is. I’ll be delighted to find it no longer a part of the human species. As the intelligence of man advances, the knowledge and consciousness of germs and disease advances, and with that comes an awareness of man’s decrepit and still animalistic tendencies. We’re an ugly species with an even uglier heritage, and licking fingers takes enlightened individuals like myself down memory lane right back to those detestable times. I don't want that.
The disgusting practice of licking fingers is so vile, so reprehensible that it subverts almost the whole of humanity. Nearly everyone around me does it. Only rarely do I find kindred spirits out there whom I notice don’t put their fingers in their mouths when eating or planning to turn a page or opening a bag, or getting money out of a cash register. This makes me so mad that when I see it in public, I begin to steam and have to remind myself: It’s ok. Calm down. They’re just average people, and average people will do what average people will do. They’re bound by their average-idity and their cow-like ignorance.
This helps only a little, which is why I am forced to eat privately whenever I can. At least in private I find peace from the savages. I see licking fingers as a hangup, an evolutionary throwback that we as a species have yet to catch up to and pass by. It’s a nearly insignificant mental deficiency (I said nearly), one that I pride myself in having risen above ever since I stopped sucking my thumb as a little kid, and I hope to make others aware of this detestable practice.
In an age when we seek to combat germs, licking fingers is counterproductive to our efforts. Germs spread most easily through saliva. That’s a fact. It’s saliva that is sought after for DNA tests because it carries the core of humanity—saliva samples (as found on cigarette butts) and hair roots are the best sources of complete human DNA, and that, to me, is another reason to hate it. When people share spoons and cups and take in saliva, they are consuming the blueprints of another living, breathing animal. That right there is disgusting all by itself. Mouths are germ factories, producing more germs than any other area of the body. Anuses, noses, and vaginas don’t compete.
But think about it; licking fingers violates common sense. You wouldn’t dream of using someone else’s toothbrush or allowing someone else to use yours, so why would you want some twat-face fucker to take his “toothbrush hole” and wet his finger with it and rub it on every surface at home and in the workplace like vile human shit-goblins do?
This life is hard for me. I have to regularly clean every surface at work…keys, cards, phones, and most importantly, keyboards. One study found that the average keyboard is way dirtier than the average toilet seat! That means my chances of getting E. coli and staph are so much higher because of you fuck-nuts who suck down a granola bar and polish your fingers with your spit while you sit at your office PC and spread your meal my way! Fuck you! I said fuck you! Suck my asshole, you fucking chimpanzee-like son or daughter of a bitch! I’ll piss on your mother’s hope chest!
Chimps put their hands in their mouths, as do babies. Babies pull their hands out of their mouths and when they do, they get their “goo” everywhere. Much like drinking out of bowls and eating off the serving spoons in cafeterias, this is one of those things that ought to be universally condemned and not done—unless you’re starving and right at the point of death in the remotest parts of Africa. Then only do you get a pass on licking fingers!
And worse yet, people always give excuses to defend licking fingers when I call them out on it. The first is “Well, what am I supposed to do with the chocolate residue on my fingers?” My answer: Let it fucking go! You’re not starving! It’s not a waste! You’ll fucking live! At least try to appear more evolved and use that fucking napkin to wipe it off! I have made actual protests to people I knew or barely knew at restaurants and in stores, and I felt good about it afterwards.
If not dealing with food, they say: “Well, I needed traction to turn the page.” My answer: What?! Are you THAT fucking in a hurry that you have to save that extra nanosecond in getting the bag open or the money out of the drawer? Slow the fuck down and don’t wipe your bodily extracts everywhere, you degenerate fucking hominid! I’ll jam a vibrator down your grandmother’s throat!
Then there are those who say things like, “There are germs in the air. Should we put masks on and walk around too?” My reply: Oh yeah! Good fucking call, shit-for-brains! Let’s carry that logic out to its intended end. Since there are germs everywhere and we just can’t fight them, let’s “throw in the towel” literally and quit washing dishes. Let’s just run water over them. Fuck soap. You’re right. There are germs everywhere. Let’s make a deal; drain your toilet and eat ice cream out of it one time and I’ll never mention licking fingers again! Do we have a deal?
Finally, there are those who connect a licking fingers defense with sex. They say, “Well, there is saliva and germs during sex. What are we supposed to do then?” How about let that stay a private or semi-private matter in a secluded setting where it should stay and then wash up thoroughly when you’re done? That’s a horse of a different color—and while we’re talking about horses, go fuck one! My shit will run down your godmother’s cleavage! Fuck you!
The practice of licking fingers disturbs me in a serious way – and it should disturb you – but it’s not all bad. Maybe it means I am highly evolved or maybe it just means I’m screwed up. But if it means I’m screwed up, there’s still good news. Creationists are always asking for proof that random mutations can produce positive changes. They say it has not and cannot happen. Well, I’m the proof that it does! ☺