Skip to main content

My Bloody Valentine

Movie title: My Bloody Valentine (2009)
Grade: D+ (1 ½ stars)
Rated: R
Summation: A miner in a small town goes on a killing spree.
Spoilers ahead: No


As an 8-year-old kid, I wrote a short story called "The Assassinators." It was about a band of 7 ex-military guys who got together and used their army connections to get a hold of high-end weaponry and went on a rampage killing. I was so proud of myself for coming up with what I thought was the greatest “shoot ‘em up” plot ever conceived until an aunt asked the question: "Why are these men killing?" "They're just bad guys," I replied. “Yes, but what’s their motivation?” I thought about it, but I couldn’t come up with an answer. Until she said something about it, it didn't bother me at all that I had written a story about smart, well trained guys risking their freedom and lives for no cause at all. Then it bothered me.

That's how it is in My Bloody Valentine, a remake of the 1981 original. It has its own style and a little to like, but it never explains why the killings began or what motivated them. The scenery is appealing. And who can't get into a foggy mountainous setting in a mining town? It looked and felt like West Virginia, though it was filmed in Pennsylvania.

What happens after the mining disaster, when the terrorizing Harry Warden becomes known? Some kids out on a date-night get attacked (not exactly surprising for a horror movie now, is it?) Some time passes, and just when you think the killing stopped, the nightmare begins again.

So what do we have so far? Thus far, we have a murderer who kills without motivation, terrorizes pretty-looking kids, and the third leg of this disappointing endeavor, a sub-plot love triangle between one girl, Sarah Palmer (Jaime King) and two old friends, Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles), a near-victim of Harry's, and Sarah's husband, Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith), the sheriff in town. The kid-ish cast taking center-stage in the storyline to appeal to the youth wasn't that bad. What could be called bad was the at times substandard acting and some lines delivered seemingly on a first take.

And you had better dig gore and 3-D if you want to like this because not much else is to be liked. What you will find is cliched moments of heads against doors being narrowly missed by pick-axes penetrating them, trained police officers getting snuck up upon and routed by a heavy-breathing, large guy in a cumbersome suit with a pick-ax, and the less-relevant characters getting snuffed out in the blink of an eye like those security extras on Star Trek.

What I really liked were the nude scenes, prolonged nude scenes where a beautiful girl shamelessly shows us her goodies for quite a while before succumbing to an inevitable death herself (it’s a known fact that anyone in a horror movie who has sex or gets naked must end up dead!) The nude scenes made the movie less bad. Oh yeah! I'd almost watch the movie just for those...almost.

A workable but still sub-par story does come together, but if you ask me, it just wasn't that interesting. What is it about a guy in a miner's suit who runs around with a light on his head and a pick-ax who gruesomely gouges people to death? Hmmm. Well, let’s just say it isn’t that scary, not enough to make a movie about. Anybody could dress up in a suit and chase people with garden tools, but I’d rather see a naked blond chick undress and screw, and when she’s done, run around naked with a pistol, baring all to the camera. Sorry, that's the only thing I liked about it!



Director: Patrick Lussier
Starring: Jensen Ackles “Tom Hanniger,” Jaime King “Sarah Palmer,” Kerr Smith “Axel Palmer,” Betsy Rue “Irene,” Edi Gathegi “Deputy Martin,” Tom Atkins “Burke,” Kevin Tighe “Ben Foley,” Megan Boone “Megan,” Karen Baum “Deputy Ferris,” Joy de la Paz “Rosa”
Genre: Horror


Popular posts from this blog

When Jesus Turns Down the Glory: 10 Worst Ever Christian Songs

It’s a sad testimony when even the creator of a thing realizes that the product isn’t what it was intended to be. Well, actually it’s a good thing. It just doesn’t happen often enough. The Christian music industry is, shall we say, not up to par with where its admirers (and even creators and ardent well-wishers) would hope it would be. And when even the average believer realizes that their music is not market-cornering stuff, all should know that there is a problem.

Now not all Christian music sucks (you might even find a few rock songs from artists like Petra on Joe Holman’s ipod that he still sometimes listens to and enjoys), but what makes the stuff that does suck suck is that what sucks sucks for a number of different reasons. We begin the countdown going from best of the worst to absolute worst...

The Top 5 Most Powerful Beings in Sci-fi (Part I of II)

It’s a subject that is rarely tackled in any form outside of random questions on a message board, but here we will devote a sensible examination of it. Who – what – is the most powerful being anywhere in every realm of sci-fi or fantasy ever dreamt up by a finite human being? I’ve been contemplating this subject since I was 8 years old. At 39, it hasn’t left my mind. That means several things; (1) I’m a fucking geek. (2) I’ve invested enough of my life pondering this for it to qualify as an obsession.

As with all “Most” anything lists, we are faced with several problems, one of them being limited source material. A couple of these only made one or two brief appearances somewhere and that is all we have to go by. But sometimes, those situations let our imaginations go into overdrive and give us even more creative fun. The mystery tends to add to the experience of contemplation.

The Top 5 Most Powerful Beings in Sci-fi (Part II of II)

#1) The Douwds – From Star Trek The Next Generation

Claim to fame: This Douwd went from pacifist to mass murderer of 50 billion in a single moment of anger. He appears to hold the record for most murders in all of sci-fi.
Abilities: Just about unlimited.
Nature: True immortals.

Our winner, debatably edging out number #2, is a mysterious race of beings called the Douwds. We only get to meet one of their kind in a single episode (#51, season 3 - see the condensed version here) called “The Survivors.” It was one of the very best of any season. What little we know of this illusive race “of disguises and false surroundings” only adds to our fascination with them.

When the Enterprise gets an urgent distress call from a federation colony on Delta Rana IV about an attacking alien warship, they head over as fast as they can, but they are days away. By the time they arrive, it is too late. All are dead and the planet has been literally leveled…with the sole exception of one house and the small pa…