Skip to main content

Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia

Movie title: Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia (2009) ***
Grade: D- (1 star)
Rated: R
Summation: Navy Seals mount an attack on Colombian Special Forces to clear their names and rescue a hostage.
Spoilers ahead: No

---

In Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia, an insurgent group known as FARC finds an excuse to blacklist the United States when an intel operation on the part of five Navy Seals goes awry. And if perfectly suspense-less, B-movie-level action flicks float your boat, then this might. I say “might” because a weak-as-soup script isn't the only major setback in the development. It's little wonder it went from production straight to DVD.

The “tough guy” feel with dialogue that could only be appreciated by young audiences will get to you eventually, if not at first. Facial close-ups in moments of shock make for a cheesy viewing experience. It is an unabashed action movie with a purposely flimsy plot and all the emphasis on the action, and it does two things well; one, it moves on rather quickly, so that just when you think you are going to get bored out of your mind, it scoots along and changes the scenery to more pointlessness; two, it showcases the use of a few fancy and high-tech military devices.

Everything else is pathetic, like when TVs are cut on to display the brooding governmental state of crisis between the U.S. and Columbia, and the TVs start off at exactly the relevant spot that the audience needs to hear. This happens not once, not twice, but three times. Would you expect more?

What I don't understand is why well-trained Navy Seals don't understand what an untrained, lard-butt bum like myself does—that using bodies as shields in a shootout is a useless defense against bullets from automatic weapons, unless the person being used as a shield happens to have on a bulletproof vest. But that only hashes out the problem of how the person being used as a shield was wounded or killed by a bullet in the first place to enable his limp body to be manipulated as a shield against weapon fire. Oh, the humanity!

Military men being able to kick down metal prison bar doors is one problem. Being shot and captured and getting no medical treatment whatsoever, and then miraculously being able to fight for the last half of the movie is yet another. The acting was the worst – terrible – not one redeeming performance in the whole bit. It was like nearly every scene was a first shot take, the director saying, “That's good enough” after the filming of each segment.

To say that I've seen better action movies should be unnecessary, but I've seen worse. If you like a movie where the good guys are just hands-down better than the bad guys, this may do it for you. They manage to hit their targets – most of them moving targets – nearly 100% of the time. The bad guys miss 90% of the time, which tends to amaze crusty skeptics like myself.

What we have here is a semi-realistic action movie where buff, good-looking guys with IQs probably a little higher than houseplants and with the maturity level of a locker room full of seventh-grade football players show their enemies what's up. It's a ludicrous tough guy movie. What more can I say?

(JH)

---

Director: Tim Matheson
Starring: Joe Manganiello “LT. Sean Macklin,” Ken Anderson “Chief Carter Holt,” Channon Roe “Petty Officer 2nd Class Kevin Derricks,” Yancey Arias “Alvaro Cardona,” Chris J. Johnson “Petty Officer 3rd Class Steve Gaines,” Antony Matos “Petty Officer 2nd Class Greg Armstrong,” Keith David “Commander Scott Boytano,” Jennice Fuentes “Nicole Jenkins,” Steven Bauer “General Manuel Valez”
Genre: Action/War

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

When Jesus Turns Down the Glory: 10 Worst Ever Christian Songs

It’s a sad testimony when even the creator of a thing realizes that the product isn’t what it was intended to be. Well, actually it’s a good thing. It just doesn’t happen often enough. The Christian music industry is, shall we say, not up to par with where its admirers (and even creators and ardent well-wishers) would hope it would be. And when even the average believer realizes that their music is not market-cornering stuff, all should know that there is a problem.

Now not all Christian music sucks (you might even find a few rock songs from artists like Petra on Joe Holman’s ipod that he still sometimes listens to and enjoys), but what makes the stuff that does suck suck is that what sucks sucks for a number of different reasons. We begin the countdown going from best of the worst to absolute worst...

The Top 5 Most Powerful Beings in Sci-fi (Part I of II)

It’s a subject that is rarely tackled in any form outside of random questions on a message board, but here we will devote a sensible examination of it. Who – what – is the most powerful being anywhere in every realm of sci-fi or fantasy ever dreamt up by a finite human being? I’ve been contemplating this subject since I was 8 years old. At 39, it hasn’t left my mind. That means several things; (1) I’m a fucking geek. (2) I’ve invested enough of my life pondering this for it to qualify as an obsession.

As with all “Most” anything lists, we are faced with several problems, one of them being limited source material. A couple of these only made one or two brief appearances somewhere and that is all we have to go by. But sometimes, those situations let our imaginations go into overdrive and give us even more creative fun. The mystery tends to add to the experience of contemplation.

The Top 5 Most Powerful Beings in Sci-fi (Part II of II)

#1) The Douwds – From Star Trek The Next Generation

Claim to fame: This Douwd went from pacifist to mass murderer of 50 billion in a single moment of anger. He appears to hold the record for most murders in all of sci-fi.
Abilities: Just about unlimited.
Nature: True immortals.

Our winner, debatably edging out number #2, is a mysterious race of beings called the Douwds. We only get to meet one of their kind in a single episode (#51, season 3 - see the condensed version here) called “The Survivors.” It was one of the very best of any season. What little we know of this illusive race “of disguises and false surroundings” only adds to our fascination with them.

When the Enterprise gets an urgent distress call from a federation colony on Delta Rana IV about an attacking alien warship, they head over as fast as they can, but they are days away. By the time they arrive, it is too late. All are dead and the planet has been literally leveled…with the sole exception of one house and the small pa…