There are many types of nutcases in the world. There are religious nuts. As you probably know, they make up a huge percentage of the world’s population. Then there are conspiracy theorist nuts, both on the left and on the right side of the political isle. Nuts on the far left say that George Bush and the government were behind the attacks on 9-11, while nuts on the far right say that Lyndon Johnson played a key role in the assassination of JFK. They’re all fucking nuts, I say!
But there is another kind of nut, a class of nut that can sometimes be more disturbing than sitting around the couch after Thanksgiving dinner with Uncle Ed and hearing him wonder aloud whether or not the smoke of 9-11 came from secretly placed fires set in dumpsters, or whether or not Lee Harvey worked alone. The type of nut I am talking about is the health-nut. The vocal health-nut is very much like a fundamentalist religionist, who honestly thinks he can alter his destiny and the destinies of others significantly by simple diet alterations.
The religionist thinks he can alter his fate and the fates of others by babbling at the sky, by making intercession to heaven. Perhaps a tragedy can be prevented, perhaps a soul saved by calling out, by begging the almighty to change his gloriously laid-down plans to grant their selfishly lame, titty-baby petitions. Such thinking is…well…just dumb!
But the health-nut is every bit as dumb. They go through life thinking that eating that extra bowl of Honey Wheat Cheerios or Wheaties with some wheat germ poured on it that tastes like ass, or sucking down those disgusting-as-hell rice patties with apple butter spread on them will actually lengthen their pathetic, puny lives. They scan the shelves at the grocery store for greens and anything that says “heart healthy.” They fall down and worship at the altar of “getting plenty of greens.” Fuck them, I say!
It’s bullshit. Eating right might (just might!) keep away the common cold. That is all. Eating healthy will not lengthen your life. Your lifespan is almost exclusively determined by your genetics, which means short of taking in poison or working in smog for 30 years at some run-down, sweat-shop-like factory in Michigan or Houston, there’s really no way to shorten your life. Yes, you’re gonna die when you’re gonna die, mothafucka! Not a damn thing you can do about it. But count on that indomitable part of man to take charge and insist that he can master his destiny, that he can take control of his fate. This never-dying tendency of man so sickens me that words scarcely describe it.
But what really makes health-nuts nuttier than them all is their Nazi-like insistence that everyone else live the same lifestyle that they have chosen for themselves. Like I need to live on fucking grapenuts! Screw that! And oatmeal? Oatmeal blows! I get my fiber from beans—in breakfast tacos and delicious Mexican food, and that has got to be enough. If it isn’t, fuck it!
And I don’t need 8 glasses of water a day. I drink when I’m thirsty, thank you very much. And the idea that 8 glasses of water – for all people of all sizes in all conditions – is wrong and totally stupid anyway. I get my greens through beef and broccoli stir-fry and from freshly made salsa with cilantro. So forgive me for bowing out of your bottled water-toting idiocy, health-nut!
And listening to a health-nut is as bad as it gets! Fucking EVERYTHING is bad for you to a health-nut—even water, because it has minerals, and minerals can give you kidney stones! Lettuce gives you kidney stones, as do sodas and coffee. Aspartame is bad for you too, even though you ingest it because you gave up sugar, which made you fat and unhealthy in the first place. Red meat is bad for you, but fish is bad too because it contains mercury, and poultry products contain salmonella, which is basically death on a plate. Rice has niacin and riboflavin, both needed nutrients, but rice is a starch, and starches too are bad for you because they turn to sugar! Corn has Vitamin A, but guess what? It also turns to sugar! So I guess everything that casts a shadow is bad for you, right, you fucking health-nut?!
Nothing’s ever good enough for a health-nut…except their own little anal ways of doing things, which parallels the drivel we hear from the religious fundamentalists, from the Jerry Fallwells and Dr. D. James Kennedys and other oppressive, fascist, toad-like creatures, who insist that they’ve got all the right answers. Follow them=good! Don’t follow them=bad! Support them financially=great! Don’t support them financially=oh my god, that’s awful!!!!!!!!!!
But the saddest part of it all is, the health-nut is probably going to die before my out-of-shape ass will! I’ve seen the healthiest get Type 1 diabetes, get cancer, suffer kidney failure, suffer from blood and chemical disorders of different kinds, and die of a sudden heart attack. I’ve seen men run 5 miles a day and bench 350 pounds and then have to undergo debilitating chemotherapy. I’ve seen a mailman who walked everyday of his life who ate a perfectly balanced diet lose both legs to diabetes before 60. He was a thin man too.
It all comes out in the wash, and when it does, no one’s got the goods on anyone else. Your body quits when your body quits. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. And that’s why 90-year-old Ima May Jenkins who lives down the street from your mom and has smoked since age 9 is still kicking while you’ve been fighting off bad allergies non-stop since nursery school.
They tell you that you get diabetes from eating poorly and being overweight. That’s bullshit. There have been too many exceptions to the rule for this to be true. Maybe that’s anecdotal evidence, but so fucking what? I’m comfortable with the conviction. So take your goddamn wheatgrass and jump off a grassy cliff, health-nut!