Skip to main content

Andrew Schuth Fails

Movie title: Sea of Fear (2006)
Grade: F (0 stars) Worst of 2006!
Rated: PG-13
Summation: Trapped on a boat at sea, a group of divers become the target of a relentless serial killer.
Spoilers ahead: No

---

Watching Sea of Fear was quite a memorable experience. I didn’t feel any fear, but I sure did drown in a sea of submerging boredom, bad acting, and the cruddiest choreography I’ve seen to date. Pardon me while I dig deep for the right words to describe just how much of a stinker this bumbling abomination was.

But Sea of Fear is a top contender—a top contender in my 25 all-time worst movie list. It was unequivocally the most horrible flick of 2006, and if that is not enough, it now has the added honor of being equaled in awfulness by only 24 other films in existence.

The story is about a group of teenagers who head out to sea for a diving project, but little do they know, a killer is on the boat with them. Trapped at sea, one by one they are picked off and killed. Sound like an interesting story? Well, it’s not. Where the lameness of a typically bad movie with rotten teen actors ends, Sea of Fear is just getting started.

The mechanics of the story seem like they would be compellingly scary. The thought of being trapped out at sea on a small boat with a murderer who covers his or her tracks well enough not to get caught sounds interesting. The problem is that director Andrew Schuth sucks and wouldn’t know how to make a movie to save his freaking life! To say that this was a poorly constructed film would be a compliment. This is often what you get when you have the same dude directing, producing, and writing!

Randomly throughout the film, the director repeatedly and unnecessarily cuts away from scenes of kids on the boat or at a party on the beach to pictures set to music of corals and fish swimming. Often times, needless cutaways bring the viewer right back to the exact same scene as before with no augmentation whatsoever. But ridiculously cut and spliced scenes are only one problem here.

Imagine ten minutes of the camera rolling where girls sit around on the ship’s deck and talk “girl talk” only hours after finding out that their friends are missing. And the funny thing is, even the girl talk sucks! The world’s preppiest manicure-loving rich girl wouldn’t talk this way. No one throughout the film talks normally, in fact. The assininity of the progression of the story will have you on the edge of your seat in total awe of how any writer could knowingly create a movie like this and not immediately flee to Zimbabwa afterwards. Don’t see this film! Your homemade camcorder movies of you making funny faces and being silly as a kid in the backyard are far better.

Many other jewels are found in Sea of Fear too, like a girl screaming and no sound coming out of her mouth, a kid hanging himself and obviously not being dead, a ship’s captain mysteriously tied up and gagged in a closet with no explanation, stupid grins and inane facial expressions, a small girl strangling a decent-sized guy with a life-preserver, and those long-running moments of dialogue where nothing (and I do mean nothing) makes any sense. Watching this film was a mentally torturous experience—no, I’m not kidding!

Redeeming qualities? There were none, none at all, unless you count some suspense generated from wondering just how atrocious the film is going to get before finally having the decency to end. The film’s finality was no better or believable than the rest of this time-wasting catastrophe. I am well aware of the fact that this review is going to prompt a few of you to watch the movie just for the laughs of seeing something awful, or else to see if what I had to say was accurate. To those brave souls, I offer these words of wisdom: You’ll never get those two hours of your life back! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

(JH)

---

Director: Andrew Schuth
Starring: Edward Albert “Captain,” Katherine Bailess “Kate,” Kieren Hutchison “Tom,” Burgess Jenkins “Lance,” Adam Mayfield “Joel,” Christopher Showerman “Derek,” Caroline Walker “Ashley MacDougal”
Genre: Horror

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

When Jesus Turns Down the Glory: 10 Worst Ever Christian Songs

It’s a sad testimony when even the creator of a thing realizes that the product isn’t what it was intended to be. Well, actually it’s a good thing. It just doesn’t happen often enough. The Christian music industry is, shall we say, not up to par with where its admirers (and even creators and ardent well-wishers) would hope it would be. And when even the average believer realizes that their music is not market-cornering stuff, all should know that there is a problem.

Now not all Christian music sucks (you might even find a few rock songs from artists like Petra on Joe Holman’s ipod that he still sometimes listens to and enjoys), but what makes the stuff that does suck suck is that what sucks sucks for a number of different reasons. We begin the countdown going from best of the worst to absolute worst...

The Top 5 Most Powerful Beings in Sci-fi (Part I of II)

It’s a subject that is rarely tackled in any form outside of random questions on a message board, but here we will devote a sensible examination of it. Who – what – is the most powerful being anywhere in every realm of sci-fi or fantasy ever dreamt up by a finite human being? I’ve been contemplating this subject since I was 8 years old. At 39, it hasn’t left my mind. That means several things; (1) I’m a fucking geek. (2) I’ve invested enough of my life pondering this for it to qualify as an obsession.

As with all “Most” anything lists, we are faced with several problems, one of them being limited source material. A couple of these only made one or two brief appearances somewhere and that is all we have to go by. But sometimes, those situations let our imaginations go into overdrive and give us even more creative fun. The mystery tends to add to the experience of contemplation.

The Top 5 Most Powerful Beings in Sci-fi (Part II of II)

#1) The Douwds – From Star Trek The Next Generation

Claim to fame: This Douwd went from pacifist to mass murderer of 50 billion in a single moment of anger. He appears to hold the record for most murders in all of sci-fi.
Abilities: Just about unlimited.
Nature: True immortals.

Our winner, debatably edging out number #2, is a mysterious race of beings called the Douwds. We only get to meet one of their kind in a single episode (#51, season 3 - see the condensed version here) called “The Survivors.” It was one of the very best of any season. What little we know of this illusive race “of disguises and false surroundings” only adds to our fascination with them.

When the Enterprise gets an urgent distress call from a federation colony on Delta Rana IV about an attacking alien warship, they head over as fast as they can, but they are days away. By the time they arrive, it is too late. All are dead and the planet has been literally leveled…with the sole exception of one house and the small pa…