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This Movie is a Disaster!

Movie title: Disaster Movie (2008)
Spoilers ahead: No

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In middle school, I was in band. I played the bass guitar. I sucked, but I wasn’t the only one who sucked. The tuba players also sucked. In fact, they sucked so terribly that our seventh-grade band teacher even had a phrase he would use every time they messed up: “Clean that mess up before you leave!” It was funny and it became kind of a catchphrase at the time. I wanted to open this article with something witty like that, but I couldn’t think of anything akin to that to describe this movie. Being at a loss for words (a very rare occurrence for me), I found myself really scratching my head to come up with something. Minutes turned into an hour, and I still couldn't think of anything better than, “Clean-up on isle six.” That didn’t fit the bill either. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just don’t have anything witty or clever to say about this movie. It’s awfulness left me speechless.

Now I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I am, after all, a card-carrying Mst3k fan and damn proud of it (Google “Mystery Science Theatre 3000” if you don’t know what that means). So when I say that Disaster Movie is a bad movie – one of the all-time worst – I’m not exaggerating! Past, present, or future, this is one of the most abominable movies ever, period! Out of 10,000 crappily made flicks, this one easily makes the top 25. So we’re talking baaaaaaaaadddddd! But as far as bad goes, it does have one good thing going for it; the term “Disaster Movie” is a proper title. It describes the movie accurately—it is, in every sense of the word I can think of, a disaster!

It’s easy to flop in comedy. Just ask any stand-up comedian. It requires a special talent to be successful in that field. It’s one thing to be funny around the dinner table by making a few cute remarks that get some giggles, and it’s another thing to get up and invite strangers to hear you because you are paid to be funny. Satire is another form of comedic skill that not everyone (read: directors and writers) has. There’s danger when one attempts to be funny and isn’t—the movie goes down the toilet! That’s the case here. Disaster Movie is one of the poorest excuses for satire out there, and it isn’t funny.

Well, let me qualify that statement. Disaster Movie is funny if “funny” to you means putting your hand over your mouth in utter shock and disbelief, chuckling under your breath, staring across the room to get the reactions of your equally shocked and wide-eyed friends, wondering how and why such a vomit-inducing movie was made, and why you are bothering to watch it. If that sort of thing passes as comedy to you, then hey, great! But if you are among those of us who choose not to have our intelligence insulted by what we watch, then you best not see this.

This review is short because Disaster Movie has no redeeming qualities, none at all. It satirically attacks everything from Indiana Jones to Superbad, and every time it tries, it makes a mockery of itself. The only parody the movie nails is of itself, the movie being it’s own self-parody. Every scene is painful to watch and every exchange reprehensibly stupid. One thing the film is almost guaranteed to do is leave a nasty aftertaste in your mouth. On those precious-few occasions when certain scenes come close to making you let out a legitimate laugh, they soon vanish, resuming the normal walk-thru of dirty and distasteful drek.

Of course, far be it from me to judge those odd few out there who actually feast off this kind of so-called comedy. If you liked Scary Movie, Date Movie, and Epic Movie, then this movie has your name written all over it. If Hollywood trash is your treasure, then what can I say but: Eat your heart out!

(JH)

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Grade: F (0 stars)
Rated: PG-13
Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Starring: Matt Lanter, Kim Kardashian, Vanessa Minnillo, Carmen Electra, Nicole Parker, Gary Johnson, Crista Flanagan, Ike Barinholtz
Genre: Comedy
Summation: A guy named Will (Matt Lanter) wakes up from a dream and works through satirical “disasters” until the movie ends.

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