Aw, kids! How sweet! Nah, really, I hate them. The sky-high ambition of young minds is insulting and even painful to wise adults because we know the mistakes they will make, and we hurt for them. But more than that, the jet-setting arrogance of youth just pisses us off, forcing us to relive the foolishness that we once lived. It's important that they learn their fate early. That's why I have prepared this little scalding rebuke for every young dreamer.
This may be nothing but a cold and creepy rant, and it's certainly nothing we would want to actually tell a kid, but we burnt-out, middle-aged misers can sure sit around with our increasingly common pains and frustrations, fretting about how our glory days have already passed us by, and enjoy the sweet release of built-up bitterness as we gawk like fighting geese at juvenile naivety...
"I want to be an astronaut"
Is that so? Well, get ready, Launchpad McDip-shit, because you'll be in space, alright—the "space" of cognitive dissonance as you vainly try to preserve your sense of meaning in this chasm of caved-in dreams we call life! In the mean time, the only place you'll be flying to is the poor house, you Mickey Mouse-admiring piece of kiddy-shit!
"I want to be a ballerina"
Oh, you'll be a ballerina alright—the day your sorry, whore ass becomes a princess with a missing glass slipper, you fucking slut-tard from hell! Why did you have to be born, skank-cake?
"I want to be a doctor"
A doctor? More like doctored! You'll be so god-damn high on every prescription drug you can get your hands on that you won't have the discipline to finish your first year at med school, you lazy-ass, Ritalin-addicted sack of apeshit! Go cork your ass with an expired bottle of Prozac, fucko!
"I want to be a firefighter"
Yeah, I bet you want to be a firefighter! You'll be fighting fires, getting cats out of trees, rescuing damsels in distress, helping up fallen-down fat women, and being a hero that everybody's just going to love you! Want some advice? Take your goody-two-shoes ass and stick a cucumber up it, dick wipe! While you're out there wanting to solve the world's problems, do us all a favor and shove that fire hose up your ambitious little anus, you optimistic bastard from blow-land!
Ah, ok...that feels better!