Telling Off The Young Ones

Aw, kids! How sweet! Nah, really, I hate them. The sky-high ambition of young minds is insulting and even painful to wise adults because we know the mistakes they will make, and we hurt for them. But more than that, the jet-setting arrogance of youth just pisses us off, forcing us to relive the foolishness that we once lived. It's important that they learn their fate early. That's why I have prepared this little scalding rebuke for every young dreamer.

This may be nothing but a cold and creepy rant, and it's certainly nothing we would want to actually tell a kid, but we burnt-out, middle-aged misers can sure sit around with our increasingly common pains and frustrations, fretting about how our glory days have already passed us by, and enjoy the sweet release of built-up bitterness as we gawk like fighting geese at juvenile naivety...

"I want to be an astronaut"

Is that so? Well, get ready, Launchpad McDip-shit, because you'll be in space, alright—the "space" of cognitive dissonance as you vainly try to preserve your sense of meaning in this chasm of caved-in dreams we call life! In the mean time, the only place you'll be flying to is the poor house, you Mickey Mouse-admiring piece of kiddy-shit!

"I want to be a ballerina"

Oh, you'll be a ballerina alright—the day your sorry, whore ass becomes a princess with a missing glass slipper, you fucking slut-tard from hell! Why did you have to be born, skank-cake?

"I want to be a doctor"

A doctor? More like doctored! You'll be so god-damn high on every prescription drug you can get your hands on that you won't have the discipline to finish your first year at med school, you lazy-ass, Ritalin-addicted sack of apeshit! Go cork your ass with an expired bottle of Prozac, fucko!

"I want to be a firefighter"

Yeah, I bet you want to be a firefighter! You'll be fighting fires, getting cats out of trees, rescuing damsels in distress, helping up fallen-down fat women, and being a hero that everybody's just going to love you! Want some advice? Take your goody-two-shoes ass and stick a cucumber up it, dick wipe! While you're out there wanting to solve the world's problems, do us all a favor and shove that fire hose up your ambitious little anus, you optimistic bastard from blow-land!

Ah, ok...that feels better!



  1. Wow, man that /is/ pretty harsh.
    I can see someone saying just about any of these, but I don't think I would call a girl a slut...
    I'm a dude and all but I consider myself pretty feminist, and I consider all girls innocent of sluttery and bitchery until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
    Just sayin'

    Hope you feel better man.

  2. Harsh? Yes, yes it is. Too harsh? I'm sure of that too. But such is the privilege of a rant! To see misplaced optimism destroyed is a precious thing, as is to say "I told you so!" And that is what I am doing here!


  3. Well, I dunno... there still are firefighters, astronauts, doctors and ballerinas... Those people didn't have misplaced optimism did they?
    There's nothing wrong with setting a child straight. I completely agree with the fact that we must not keep them from hearing bad words and swear words, we must not tell them "the stork brought you" instead of "you came right out of your mother's fat belly through her pussy". They have to know the truths, and the difficulties of live from an early age, so they can get used to them. Telling a kid he is adopted in his teenage years will probably make him wanna commit suicide or something. Telling him as a youngster or even a toddler will get him used to the idea and it won't be a big deal.
    But still there are some cases where optimism is not misplaced.

  4. yes, true. Sometimes optimism isn't misplaced. But come on! We're talking about kids making plans! Even at 22 it's hard to have a life philosophy! I guess optimism is just such an easy target!


  5. Hey, you forgot to mention kids that dream of growing up to be cynics.....

    Write one for that :-)

  6. Yea, kids shouldn't make plans, I agree. My dad has been urging me to make plans at an early age, and getting on my case about not liking to do anything. He said I have to fix a goal in life. I prefer to just take things as they come my way.
    I am 20 by the way, and I consider that I have a life philosophy. One based on Atheism. I still have some demons to fight though...


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